Readers’ Mail: My life after divorce
It has been 6 months since I ended my marriage of 27 years last August 2009. Life has been wonderful after I made the decision.
It took me one year of painful deliberation before I made the final decision to leave my husband. Without financial, emotional and physical support from your spouse and the burden of 4 children to care for, the strain was not easy to bear. There were also plenty of tears along the way.
I broke down in Dec 2008 when I left home for 2 nights, just to sort things over. We also went through 2 rounds of counseling all to no avail. That’s when I decide that something has to break…
There are different reactions that I got from my loved ones when I informed them of my decision to divorce.
The reaction from my “in-laws” is naturally hostile. I am barred from all family gatherings from his side. Nonetheless, my 2 sister-in-laws (ex-brother-in-laws’ wives) are still in touch with me. Occasionally, we will go for meals and catch-up on what is happening.
My own family has been very supportive, especially my children. They are sensitive kids and I really want to thank them for helping me through this difficult period. My stand is that ex is still their father and he is welcome to join any family functions where the children are involved. Other than my children’s birthdays and mine, he has avoided other functions involving my other family members.
For my mum, accepting the separation initially was a pain to her. She has since accepted the fact and seeing me cheerful again was a consolation to her. My own siblings had been supportive in their silent ways, respecting my decision.
For the past one year, close friends who knew about my relationship challenge have been giving me moral support. I really appreciate the time they had taken to accommodate me when I was down.
I have chosen to be forward looking in how I live my life after my divorce. And what have I been doing these past 6 months . . .
1. I was involved in the Parenting Conference held on 23 Jan 2010 where preparation started way back in Sep 2009. The event was supported by two government bodies. We had more than 10 sponsors and the team of 7 really worked our heart out.
2. In Nov 2009, I was offered a job in a bookstore and started worked in Dec 2009. After 2 months’ probation, my boss confirmed my appointment. This is the third month and I am still negotiating for more pay to compensate for the amount of time I spend in the company. Very positive environment and I kind of like it.
3. In Dec 2009, I took on the role of co-ordinator with a secondary school. Something new to me but I am one person who enjoy learning new things.
Life is short and I still look on to every day as a new day to enjoy and embrace. Every one has a choice, how they want to live their life is entirely their decision and I am glad that I have chosen my own pathway. The years ahead may get lonelier when my children start they own families. Well, who knows . . . I may find a second Mr Right. Ha ha . . .
A lot of painful events took place during the last 9 years. I lost my marriage. I also lost my father to cancer.
I lost my job (I was made redundant and was out of job for about a year). I was in depression and literally cut myself off from everybody, including church. It took me 3 years to recover and then I made a very courageous decision to return to my former church. I reckoned that I should pick up from where I fell although it was a difficult decision.
Then I attended a Diploma in Christian Counselling and decided that I want to be a counsellor so as to help people in need. Thus, last 2 years were working & studying, working & studying & more working & studying…. (boring, I didn’t have a life then )
I’ve just completed my Master in Social Science (Counselling). The course has done me alot of good. It’s alot of self awareness and self healing. So, you can expect to see a happier me.
For your info, I am now heading a Christian Single Ministry. The purpose is to give Christian singles opportunities to meet other Christian singles. I am also burdened to help the divorced people to find a companion after their divorce (2 is better than 1). By the time you are back the website for Singles’ Ministry should be up. So, maybe we can work together in this ministry. I am now in full-time ministry and also a Volunteer Counsellor.
As for remarrying, I am unsure if I will have the courage to trust another man again. I fear of not being love and not able to love but again, we must not forget that we have a Wonderful God whose ways are higher than ours and when Jesus Christ is Lord in our lives, we will have peace in all our human relationships. So, I don’t worry so much whether I will remarry or not. Taking one step at a time here.
Hey, I am not a tough woman. You should see the buckets of tears I’ve cried and also hear how I “threatened” the Lord…. haha… I always tell him that if he does not intervene and strengthen me then I will drown him with my tears. So, it was by the grace of God
I doubt I will be doing my PhD. However, I will consider if I find a sponsor. For now, I feel that I am done with studying. I should get my life back, have some friends and enjoy living.
I have definitely changed in all aspects. I have also aged, put on some weights. Oh man, I am old. So, don’t expect to see a pretty young lady. Anticipate a fat, wrinkled me haha…
Susan (name changed)
Susan is a long lost friend of mine who has picked up the pieces after her failed marriage nine years ago – Gilbert