Reader’s Mail: Nine Years of Tough Journey After Divorce

Number of View: 513 Hi Gilbert,   A lot of painful events took place during the last 9 years.  I lost my marriage. I also lost my father to cancer.   I lost my job (I was made redundant and was out of job for about a year).  I was in depression and  literally cut myself off from everybody, including church.  It  took  me 3 years to recover and then I made a very courageous decision to return to my former church.  I reckoned that I should pick up from where I fell although it was a difficult decision.   Then I attended a Diploma in Christian Counselling and decided that I want to be a counsellor so as to help people in need.  Thus, last 2 years were working & studying, working & studying & more working & studying…. (boring, I didn’t have a life then )   I’ve just completed my Master in Social Science (Counselling). The course has done me alot of good.  It’s alot of self awareness and self healing. So, you can expect to see a happier me.   For your info, I am now heading a Christian Single Ministry.  The purpose is to give Christian singles opportunities to meet other Christian singles. I am also …

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Stop Comparing (foodforthought)

Number of View: 248   STOP COMPARING By Bo Sanchez February 18, 2010   We live in a pathologically dissatisfied world. And I’m going to tell you why. Because we love to compare. Go around the world and discover that people aren’t happy with their bodies.   Filipinos want to be fair-complexioned like Westerners, and so buy bleaching stuff. Westerners want to own bronzed bodies like ours, and so purchase tanning lotions.   Those with moles have them removed, while those who don’t strategically implant beauty spots.   Some people want to shed a few pounds to look like Ally McBeal, while others want to gain some baby fat to look like Drew Barrymore.   When are we ever going to stop and simply be happy with how we look? We live in a sick world, I tell you. And that sickness is comparisonitis. Take a look at wealth. When we drive our old Toyota, it really suits us fine. We feel blessed in fact when the rain pours outside and we feel snug and cozy on its faded upholstered seats. But the moment we see our own officemate (or neighbor, or buddy, or cousin, or brother) drive his sleek …

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Are babies bad for marriage? (Mummy-Muse blog)

Number of View: 298 Have you heard about The Council on Contemporary Families?  If not, you’re missing out on some great information.  This nonprofit, nonpartisan organization of family researchers and practitioners has been working since 1996 to increase our understanding of how America’s families are changing, what contemporary families need and how these needs can best be met at http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/.               I am impressed with their recent research update, and am including an excerpt from  News You Can Use: Are Babies Bad For Marriage? :      Old News: Having a Baby Will Save Your Marriage New News: No, After Having a Baby, Satisfaction With Marriage Goes Down for Most Couples New New News: Having a Baby Won’t Improve a Poor Marriage, but Couples Who Plan the Conception Jointly Are Much Less Likely to Experience a Serious Marital Decline And Really Good News: Couples Who Establish a Collaborative Parenting Relationship After the Child Is Born not Only Have Happier Marriages but Better-Adjusted Children        In the mid-20th century, marital counselors often advised couples that parenthood would increase their marital satisfaction and adjustment, and polls showed that most Americans believed that true marital happiness depended on having a child. But over the …

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Reader’s Mail: My Life After Divorce

Number of View: 254 Reader’s Mail: My life after divorce Hi Gilbert,  It has been 6 months since I ended my marriage of 27 years last August 2009.  Life has been wonderful  after I made the decision.  It took me one year of painful deliberation before I made the final decision to leave my husband.  Without financial, emotional and physical support from your spouse and  the burden of 4 children to care for, the strain was not easy to bear.  There were also plenty of tears along the way. I broke down in Dec 2008 when I left home for 2 nights, just to sort things over.  We also went through 2 rounds of counseling all to no avail.  That’s when I decide that something has to break…   There are  different  reactions that I got from my loved ones when I informed them of my decision to divorce.  The reaction from my “in-laws” is naturally hostile.  I am barred from all family gatherings from his side.  Nonetheless, my 2 sister-in-laws (ex-brother-in-laws’ wives) are still in touch with me.  Occasionally, we will go for meals and catch-up on what is happening.  My own family has been very supportive, especially my children.  …

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A Website for The Divorced

Number of View: 310 Dear Friends and Readers,   I have started  this blogsite to support those who are divorced and single parents. I am sure that there are many out there.   Strangely, the site was initially meant for the married people who face struggles in their relationship.   However, a few friends told me that there are already many such sites locally and ask me to instead  start something for those who are divorced and separated.   For those who are recently divorced,  the journey can be  traumatic and lonely. Some may face suicidal tendencies too as it is a very emotional event.  Last year, I  have the chance to walk through the divorce journey with three friends who happened to divorce within a three-month period of one another.  One was married for five years, another for 9 years and the last the longest for well over 20 years. Two of them seemed happier after the divorce except for the third one who looked lost and desolate. Two of them have children. One wonders if the divorce will come earlier if there are no children in the equation. I know many couples hang on precariously to the marriage for the sake of the …

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Looking at Divorce – Through the Eyes of a Child (childrenanddivorce.com)

Number of View: 372        Looking at Divorce – Through the Eyes of a Child First published in Caring – Alliance for Parents and Families 2000         CHILDREN ARE DISILLUSIONED For better or worse children look to adults to help make sense of the world they live in. Unfortunately, from the child’s vantagepoint much of what they are taught defies understanding. It is clear to the youngest children that what adults say is appropriate behavior bears little resemblance to what adults actually do. Children are keen observers. They see famous men who lie and still hold high office, adults who cheat and yet avoid being caught, and adults who kill in the name of religion. They are all too aware of adults who create problems and neglect to solve them, and adults who abuse themselves, or others, but who are nevertheless heralded as heroes or superstars. In this hypocritical social environment it is not surprising that those children who not only experience questionable adult behavior at a distance, but also close-up in their own families, are the children who are most at risk for growing up feeling alienated, angry and distrustful of the adult world.   WHO TO BLAME? …

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He Spends, She Saves… They Fight (CBS Moneywatch.com)

Number of View: 236   He Spends, She Saves … They Fight    A different woman might have been thrilled to receive a gift-wrapped $2,000 designer handbag from her spouse. But not Cicely Wedgeworth. That kind of lavish gesture “would be great if he were my boyfriend,” she says, “instead of my husband.” An inveterate saver, Cicely would rather make do with her canvas tote, funneling that money toward their son’s college fund or their mortgage instead. Meanwhile, Cicely’s husband, Wesley Yun, feels like when it comes to being generous with his wife, no good deed goes unpunished.  Even in flush times, money is one of the biggest sources of arguments among couples, and when finances are tight, it takes more than a box of chocolates to sugarcoat the clashes that occur over different spending styles. Oddly enough, your mate’s approach to money may have stoked your fire in a different way at one point: In a recent study, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Michigan and Northwestern showed that “tightwads” tend to be attracted to (and marry) “spendthrifts.” (And you thought it was her button nose). Wes, indeed, is a prodigious spender — on everything from …

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The Day After Divorce (divorces.com)

Number of View: 293 Get ready for a dramatic change You can’t begin to fathom the change that is taking place once you successfully complete your divorce.  Naturally, this is going to take some serious time to assimilate and you will think about all the times in the past with your spouse, both good and bad.  You will remember all that you had and all that you will no longer have.  You will stare into the abyss and wonder if it will eat you alive.  It is scary.  Admit it. We do and so should you. The last thing you want to do is sugarcoat the dramatic change you have just made.  In all likelihood you will effectively have been downsized.  So, will your spouse.  After all, a marriage is greater than the sum of its parts, but when you follow that formula in reverse you can see your lifestyle as you knew it, will have been more than halved, it will have been drawn and quartered (your attorney will be richer, not that it is a consolation). But, the trick here is to think “why” and not “what.”  What implies a physical attachment to things material, real and imagined …

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Child Dislikes Boyfriend – What to do when your child dislikes your boyfriend (singleparents.about.com)

Number of View: 228   Question: Parental Dating Issues — My Child Dislikes My Boyfriend. What Should I Do? Bonny Albo, About.com’s Guide to Dating1, sent me this question from a reader named Jane, whose child dislikes her boyfriend: I am 33 years old, I and have two kids, ages 6 and 9. My 6-year-old adores the man I’m dating, but my 9-year-old dislikes my boyfriend and is adamantly against him. This concerns me a great deal. We have been dating for almost three years, and this problem has become a big roadblock in our relationship. In addition, my boyfriend has said to me point blank that I need to change my 9-year-old’s behavior before he will consider taking things “to the next level.” What should I do? Answer: What to do when your child dislikes your boyfriend is an excellent question. It speaks to the issue of balancing your needs against your kids’ needs in regard to the issue of parental dating. However, from your question, it sounds as though there are several issues going on at once. You’re not happy with the relationship as it is. Your son dislikes your boyfriend pretty strongly. Your boyfriend has an issue …

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Divorce: An overview (divorces.com)

Number of View: 302 Divorce: An Overview First and foremost divorce is the dissolution of a legal marriage before the death of either spouse.  It is not an annulment, which is the ending of a marriage by having it declared “void.”  Although it must be noted that even in cases of annulment child support, alimony and property distribution laws may still apply.  Merriam-Webster OnLine defines divorce as “the action or instance of legally dissolving a marriage.”   No matter where you look, you should stumble across the same definition in so many words, more or less. Let us be clear though.  Divorce is not a party and it will be traumatic, difficult and emotionally trying.  More so, perhaps much more so, when kids are involved.   Even for celebrities divorces are not enjoyable, Charlie Sheen aside perhaps.  Be prepared for loss and a redefining of your life, yet reinventing it in a much different way.  Children will forever be impacted by a divorce no matter how civil it is resolved.  In the best divorce scenarios where both Exs manage to get along, the children will still be emotionally pulled between both parents.  They will be confused and it will take time, perhaps …

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