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Newly-married woman facing eventual divorce from a cheating spouse

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Hi,

Stumbled upon your website while searching for a support group where I can fit in, I know I don’t quite fit the category just yet. But my husband is having an affair and has repeatedly expressed his wish to leave/divorce me for her. Even though he has yet to file for divorce, I think there is unlikely anything I can do to avoid that eventuality.

I am ashamed to face my family, I fear that I have put too much into my relationship all these years at the expense of my family. The failure of this relationship would just further disappoint them and it will cause them to view my husband negatively from hereon. I’m afraid that this may have a negative impact on our relationship if we were to ever continue. Things are just going too fast for me to keep up. I don’t want to give up but it feels hopeless no matter what I do. I’m not even sure if there is anything I can do.

Perhaps I’m in denial, trying to fix things by myself. I know that just me feeling all this alone would not work, I know that perhaps I’m using our past as an excuse to help justify his behavior. I am just unable to accept that he is giving up on this relationship is such a short span of time. When he says things like “Perhaps I have never loved you, only pity you all these while.” just hurts so bad even though I know that it may not be true. I am just not prepared for it to end. I believe he is trying, but not trying to make the relationship work. Rather he is trying to help me accept the fact which I’m resisting so much.

I don’t want it to be this way just yet… I just want him to keep an open mind with us. I’m ok to try to be strong and try on my own… I am trying by being positive, finding activities to engage in, finding jobs and chores to keep myself occupied. I’m just trying to show him that we have the chance to still work. I am trying, I really am…. I’m not just doing this for us but also for myself. Its just hard to be alone after all these years… its just too hard to cope. I’m trying to look towards a better future. Problem is I can’t picture it without him by my side. He has always been there for me throughout my teens and adulthood, through my darkest times… I am trying to live for me, but a future without him seems so bleak…

It’s just so hard when you have been with so long, someone you love and trust just suddenly pulls away from you in such a short period of time. We have been together for 15 years (more than half our life, through my teens and adulthood), married for over 2 years and in just 1 month after he moves in he decides to leave me. Discovery of the affair was just a week before moving in, where he begged me to forgive him, begged me to move in with him, but in just 1 month in he decided that he had enough, he wants to be with her and he wants us to divorce amicably.

It just seems to me he has thought all these things through in such a short amount of time. Just really hard for me to accept this way, especially since he begged me to forgive him and move in. That gave me so much hope that our relationship can be salvaged, that we can work past this and come out better. Which is why I have been trying so hard and finding it difficult to accept things as they are now. Right now I’m just terrified that he would just leave, that no matter what I do would not matter at help save this relationship. I am unable to let go and start planning for yourself. I am still living in denial, in hopes that we can be saved. But the fact is that the eventual will happen and ¬†putting all my energy in just to salvage the relationship may not change a thing. I have no one to turn to and no where to go, I am not even financially stable or independent, I have given him everything I have to fulfill this dream home that he wanted. I am terrified of what’s to come. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to trust again, to love again, that I will live out the rest of my life in misery, pain and isolation. I’m just afraid to be alone right now…

Joanna

4 comments

  1. I think the main issue besides his betrayal is your dependence on him financially.
    I think you should find a job and steady yourself finiancially first my dear.
    then you have more options.
    Besides that, why would u put up with a cheating spouse?
    Are you willing to be treated shabbily?
    Trust in yourself and get yourself finiacially stable. Then, prepare to leave him unless he gives up the affair.
    that is your right to be in a loving, supportive relationship.
    Give yourself that right.
    All the best! Get help. Speak to a counsellor to get support.

    1. You did not say how long you have been married. If less, than 3 years, Your husband can only divorce on grounds of moral depravity and exceptional hardship. If more than 3 years he can go on 3 years separation with consent or 4 years without and also unreasonable behaviour. Desertion 2 years and adultery on your part are the other grounds.
      You may think now that you can’t live without him but it could happen to be a blessing in disguise and many years later you could think back and say that was the best thing that ever happened to you because it gave you the chance to develop mentally, intellectually and spiritually. It is not. The end of the world. The best is yet to be

  2. From your description, I feel there there are probably other reasons compelling your husband to request a divorce. Perhaps hia lover is pregnant and insisting on marriage? Talk to him and perhaps ask if you can see a marriage counsellor.

  3. Hi, I feel for you as I am in a similar situation. My husband had an emotional affair with a woman and I was devastated because we were happy together, which he also agreed with, and he also initially begged to return to normalcy. However, after one day, he told me he can’t settle down and wish to be free, and requested to separate.I was like you, lost, as he earns much more than I do and he was my source of happiness.
    Right now, I am trying my best to accept the fact and move on and it is NOT easy. It is super tough. The sadness comes in waves and I find myself battling it as it comes. Friends help a lot and family will never forsake you.
    Since he has given up, the marriage can’t work with one person trying. I suggest that you go to both families and make it clear. It does not matter if your family hates him after this. Reason being, if ever you two end up together again, him working hard to gain back their liking is only right.
    Learn to protect yourself and love yourself. Try to see if he is willing to continue supporting the house financially, or give you a sum of money to tide through for a while til you are able to be financially independent through a job or higher pay.
    I don’t know if you are a christian or what religion you are in, but I have found a lot of peace and security in God. And I know that there are better things ahead planned for us. Thank God you are in this situation at this age and not later. Hope is not lost. Happiness is still out there, jiayou.

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