Mother with two kids contemplating divorce in a loveless sexless marriage

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Dear Gilbert,

I came across your website once searching for advice online for divorce procedures. I would like some advice from you on this before I formally engage a lawyer to take up the case. I would like to provide some background on my marriage.

I know my husband for about 14 years. We got married  and have 2 girls. We are each other’s first boy/girlfriend, and thus no prior relationship before that. There are naturally a lot of differences in a relationship and I thought it will all worked out eventually as we have stayed on in the relationship for 7 years before we got married, but it was not like that.

My husband is a guy who is totally not romantic and I have come to terms with that. We have agreed that we will not celebrate Valentines, Christmas, anniversaries etc, but only each other’s birthday, but it has become so bad that he brought me to hawker centre for dinner and buy me a weighing scale as birthday present this year. This may sound nitty gritty, but it just shows how far apart our expectations are.

We are also in a sexless marriage. I got pregnant with my first girl right after we ROM. Since then till now, we have less than 10 times of sex in our 7 years of marriage.

I tried talking to him, he said we are both too tired from taking care of our elder girl, and I do agree to a certain extend, but the situation cannot be so bad. So I tried talking and making time, but with little success.

I am a very shy girl with no sex experience before, it is very difficult for me to broach the topic with him, but I persisted. After our first girl turn 2 years old, I asked him if he wants another baby and that was when he decided to try again. Well, to a lot of couples it may be tough getting pregnant, but not for us. I had wanted to save the marriage, but we are successful in our second try (first try he didn’t make it).

And that is it. End of the sex. I guess he is relieved about it, no more pressure from me.

After the second baby, I am of course busy and had no time to pursue on this matter. Plus I had a C-section, the recovery process is long. But in year 2016, I start to see that the relationship is going very wrong. We have a lot of differences in our opinion on our upbringing of the children. He always want things in a certain way and accepts no compromise. I have to give in most of the time.

Whenever I raise all these issues, he will want me to change my way of doing things. He mentioned before that I am always bad-tempered. I agreed. I am frustrated with the marriage and with him and tend to lose temper and this sometimes affect the kids.

I have tried to change. I thought by changing and being accommodating, I can salvage the relationship. But it got to a point that I do not see any meaning in doing so. I felt that I have lost myself. My family is disappointed in me because I do not stand firm to my beliefs. I only listen to my husband, even though sometimes it is unreasonable.

In 2017, I decided that I need to find my old self back. I start to be more rationale. I pick up his comments that are good points and change, and for others, I ignore. I also try to sort out my feelings for him, as though I have all these grievances with him, the tender feelings of 14 years is difficult to just cut off over night. But I managed to do so. I can say that I have very little feelings for him now. I cannot stand his habits now. Not bathing, not brushing teeth, insist on playing with the girls just before their bedtime and prolonging their night sleeping time till past 11pm is really getting on my nerves. Quarrelled so many times and even almost got into a physical fight but I still lost. I am not good at arguing, he is.

Now I would like to explore divorce. I am working with a decent salary, paid slightly higher him. I know divorce needs grounds, and in our situation, likely we have to go for separation? I know he probably will not agree to divorce. So I really do not know what to do. I don’t want to hurt the girls, but I really do not want to stay in this relationship as well. I am only in my thirties. I do not want to waste my entire life staying with him and being miserable all the times.

Can you please advise me? (I am very sure he is not gay, but I do not know if he has other difficulties).

Thank you.

Teardrops

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