Singapore's Support Site for The Divorced

Married woman with 2 kids divorcing due to interference from husband’s family

admin — Wed, 16 May 2012 08:41:46 +0000

Hi Gilbert,

While googling, I chanced upon your blog, read some stories and got some information here and there.

Thought it will be good to ‘pour’ some sorrow out for therapeutic healing for myself.

I knew my husband when I was 19, got married when I was 26 and now I am already 40. How time flies…

I have a simple household with 2 girls age 8 and 11 but we are happy.

However, my husband and I have been having alot of quarrels and issues over the last 2 decades and whenever we quarrel he would bring up ‘divorce’ to shut me up.

He claimed that this is a tactic that will make me ‘quiet’. Over time, I lost confidence in the marriage. I have always been extroverted and outspoken whereas he has been an introvert and a very bad tempered person.

Recently, my father in law passed away, leaving my aged mother in law staying with us. My husband is a frequent traveller for business, that leaves me alone with the 2 girls, an aged mother in law and a domestic helper.

His 2 sisters who are full time housewives frequent my house daily to tend to their mother whereas I am a full time employee.

They have high interference into my household affairs, where the clothes are to be hung, food storage, what food was purchased, etc. They even ransack my wardrobe and shoes cabinet to see my personal belongings!

With their whole day companionship with my mother-in-law at my house, my children were restless in studies due to their visits and whole day access to television programmes to keep themselves occupied.

My sister in law even blame my domestic helper for cooking too early resulting in their mother having to eat cold food. When I tried to explain why the maid needs to be cooked at around 11+ in the morning as my younger daughter needs to be at school by 12.30, the two sisters blamed me for siding with the domestic helper!

I raised the concern with my husband and instead of supporting me, he claimed that I was unfilial, selfish and hard hearted. He also claimed that I wish his mother passed on and shouted at me: ‘ Don’t you harass my family!’

I was very hurt. I have worked hard and taken care of my girls when he is always not around – our family gathering, trips and excursion are always carried out without a DAD present.

From this sentence, I felt that I was never part of his family, I was annoyed and told him it’s my house that his family is interfering and harassing. This quarrel got out of hand and he insisted on divorce just like in the past.

I don’t wish to treat it as another ‘ shut up’ tactics, he knew I love this family alot as I came from a broken family. But his repeated threats hurt beyond what I can bear.

We are now in the midst of filing for divorce – he wanted to file for separation, but still stay in the same household as I m paying for all the expenses in the house and the kids.

He only pays for monthly PUB bills, miscellaneous bills and the monthly internet service.

This is all I get after toiling day and night for this family - spiteful remarks and hateful stares from his family.

We agreed to have the flat divided 50/50, but I have asked for the custody of my 2 girls and $1200 alimony for the 2 kids but he claimed no money to pay when he is driving a Toyota MPV!

I have requested to delay the sales of our current flat upon divorce so that I can have some time to queue for BTO flat using a single parent with custody for the 2 kids.

He claimed that I was trying to get him to do illegal things!

When I explain that those resales flat around the vicinity of the children schooling are way too costly for a singly income to afford, he just brushed off saying ‘ it;s your business’.

I really don;t know to cry or laugh or be in anguish, I am in a state of numbness.

After all these years of giving and sarcrifices, in the end , still only a word of divorce – separation.

I still go to work and bring my kids for tuition as usual, but I am hurt and unhappy deep within

I don;t understand why the giving of more than half of my life span, the return which I get seem so insignificant.

I have to be strong and hold on, for the sale of my children.

Beyond understanding.

Juz

^^^^^^^

Dear Juz

I am very sorry to hear of your predicament. I would address the legal issues in your brief below.

I understand that you and your husband are proceeding for a divorce. Hopefully both could agree on an uncontested divorce as a contested divorce would be expensive for both parties.

If you and your husband proceeds with a separation, this means both parties intend to apply for a divorce in 3 years time based on the ground of separation. As long as parties have been married for 3 years, either party can apply for a divorce based on one of the following grounds: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, 3 years separation with consent or 4 years separation.

As a wife, you may request for maintenance for yourself and your children. Although you are working, you are entitled to maintenance.

For maintenance of the children, this is usually a shared responsibility. If your husband earns more than you, he is expected to pay more towards child’s maintenance.

If you need to get a flat directly from HDB and not from the resale market, you need to get sole or joint custody of the children and care and control of the children.

If custody is jointly held between you and your husband, this means both must agree upon any major decisions made in respect of the children. Usually the major issues relates to education, health, religion, national service (for male children) and change of name. Care and control means who the children live with after the divorce.

In respect of the matrimonial flat, parties could have the proceeds of sale divided 50:50. If there is a dispute in the division, the court would look at each party’s financial contribution toward the flat.

Regards,

James (legal counsel)

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Woman in legal dilemma on divorce

admin — Wed, 16 May 2012 08:40:18 +0000

Hi Gilbert

My husband will be serving me a divorce paper sometime next week. He initiated this because he is having an affair with a Filipino girlfriend.

He is 50 and I am 48. I need your advice on some legal issues as I have asked a few lawyers and each one of them gave me a different view.

Moreover, the trouble is when I made enquiry with a lawyer, they immediately quote me $100 – $150 per hour of consultation and this is the lowest quote whereas a reputable law firm quoted me $350 – $450 per hour. Upon my confirmation to engage them I will need to pay a deposit of $2,500 minimum.

My husband has initiated the divorce suit and I also served him a divorce suit , so it is now 2 divorce suits. I understand that for contested divorce the legal fee can come up to at least S$10,000 and depending on how many trial hearings are involved – so the legal can reach up to S$20,000 as I understand as each trial session is going to cost S$5,000.

In his divorce suit, he asked for 60% of the profit after the sale of our matrimonial home and CPF refund.

Now my husband wants to go for an uncontested divorce and he also asked me to go for uncontested divorce. He will now go for the division of profit : 50% (for him) and I get 50%. If I agree to this we will proceed with our divorce based on this.

I understand that after both parties are legally divorced, then the lawyer will work on the alimony and ancillary and division of matrimonial assets (if any). Do I have to tell my lawyer now to put forward my alimony claim, wife maintenance and division of matrimonial assets?

On the alimony claim, wife maintenance and division of matrimonial assets will these be processed after both parties are legally divorced?

One lawyer said I should be the one to initiate the divorce then I can claim part of the legal fee on my husband. But I refused to initiate the divorce paper because it is my husband who is the one to dump me and I am still hoping that he would change his mind and return.

But my 2 children actually support me and encourage me to divorce him. I also feel that I should not initiate the divorce because other people will view it negatively on my part.

Next issue is, I am still working and I understand from one lawyer that I may not even get a single cent of alimony. Is this true?

Is division of matrimonial property (we have one landed property which is currently our home) done fairly under the law?

One lawyer told me since I have been working all these years I may not even get half of the matrimonial property as I am not a stay at home mum. But I strongly disagree on this because I have made financial contribution to the matrimonial property and at the same time I have brought up my 2 children.

Please advise how much legal fee (estimated) I am expected to pay for this divorce proceeding if its uncontested.

Looking forward to hear from you

Your sincerely

Linda

*******

Hi Linda,

It is good for parties to explore the possibility of an uncontested divorce as this will save a lot of costs for both parties. The fact that both parties have filed a divorce application against each other, clearly neither party wants to be in the marriage any longer. It is thus prudent to settle the divorce on an uncontested basis.

The ancillary issues, namely, division of the flat, division of other matrimonial property (including CPF etc), maintenance for the wife and children, custody, care and control and access of the children are important and if possible, should be resolved together before the divorce is granted. Once the divorce has been settled and parties have not settled the ancilalry issues, lawyers will charge a further sum to settle the ancillary issues.

If parties fight on the ancillary issues, that too can be costly. It all depends on the number of affidavits that each party files for the ancillary hearing.

Sometimes, lawyers may suggest to proceed to resolve the divorce first, especially, if parties are very contestious and difficult and after settling the divorce to proceed to resolve the ancillary issues at a later stage.

I believe, your lawyer will be able to advise you better as he/she is more aware of the full matrix of your case.

The only thing I would say is that if you could come to an agreement on all the ancillary issues before the divorce is granted, usually the costs is lower.

Regards

James (legal counsel)

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How to Recover from an Affair

admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 01:01:23 +0000

How to Recover from an Affair

Edited byDanine Manette and 14 others

Realize that you are in shock. Initially, this is the phase where you are simply in disbelief. You cannot comprehend that your spouse has been physically or emotionally intimate with someone other than yourself; that your spouse was sneaking around and going out of his/her way to make time and seek out this person. And all the while you were oblivious… you begin piecing the puzzle together and you realize that so much of your reality was actually a lie. During this phase, you will probably feel like you’re in a dense fog while trying to make sense of what is going on and determine whether or not it is all just some sort of ‘bad dream’.

Expect to experience some rage. You begin to realize that the situation is an actual reality and that it is not just some sort of ‘bad dream’. During this phase you may become physically ill and find that you are simply unable to get out of bed, go to work, or interact with others normally in your everyday world. The affair is all you are able to think about. It is not uncommon for you to have episodes of crying, throwing things, breaking objects, screaming, fighting, and generally behaving way out of control.^{[citation needed]} You cannot see past the anger and may choose to express your rage in ways that are dangerous, unhealthy, or even illegal.^{[citation needed]}

- The desire for revenge.If you start feeling this, this is the point where you are at your most dangerous. If this is an emotion that you experience, be aware that you are not thinking clearly and simply want to enact revenge upon those who you feel have wronged you.
  - You might begin plotting and planning ways to get back at either the other man/woman, or your spouse.
  - Thoughts of a revenge affair move to the forefront of your mind and you may begin thinking of who you can sleep with in order to even the score with your spouse.
  - You might start looking for ways to bring down your spouse’s lover by hurting him or her personally, professionally, or financially.
- Please remember that this phase will pass, and pure emotional decisions rooted in pain often lead to actions which one later regrets.
Let go of the anger. At this point, the initial violent, active rage subsides and you are left with a dull ache and the feeling of being emotionally wiped out. This is typically the time when you either begin entertaining the notion of reconciliation, or begin taking steps to end the marriage.^{[citation needed]}Although deeply hurt, you start thinking more logically and are not as consumed with revenge, but rather you become more interested in taking an assessment of your life, your goals, and where you would like your marriage to go from here. You begin focusing a little less on the other man or woman and more on your spouse, and the mess that they have made in your marriage. During this phase, you are often too tired to fight, cry, or relive the horror 24 hours a day. You begin to desire closure, one way or another.
Pick up the pieces. If you are planning on, and are able to put your marriage back together, this is the point where you need complete, unwavering, total cooperation from the cheater. He or she needs to know that this is going to be a long and drawn out process which will only be longer if they set up roadblocks to your recovery. Things the cheater might do to hinder progress include:
- Refusing to answer questions regarding things that you have a right to know
- Refusing any “proofs” that you have a right to ask for
- Continued contact with the other man or woman
- Minimizing the situation
- Minimizing the relationship with the other man or woman
- Putting the blame back onto the victim, or
- Setting a time limit for when the victim should be “over it”. #Be aware that doing any or all of these things is detrimental to the recovery of your relationship and make it nearly impossible for true healing to ever take place. If you are not planning to put your marriage back together, then this is the time you need to begin seeking space and time fillers. This does notmean people that you run to on the rebound and then screw up their lives for the sake of your recovery; this means finding activities and interests that you can move to the front of your life in order to fill up the empty space left by the loss of companionship. This will be a lonely time for you, but if you choose to sit around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself, you will remain in this space indefinitely.
Learn to trust again. This is a difficult phase, whether you are trying to repair your current relationship, or begin a new one. It is not advisable to begin a new relationship any time soon, however, because you need time to heal and be comfortable being with yourself before bringing another person into your world. If you are trying to rebuild your marriage, learning to trust comes only from seeing a cheater lay all of his or her cards on the table and them making their life an open book. This is an extremely long and slow process which, plain and simply, can only improve with the passage of time. Once enough of your mate’s stories check out as true, and when you can feel with complete certainty that he or she is no longer communicating with the other man or woman, then you are on your way to learning to trust again. But, as previously mentioned, if the cheater is not helping you along in the process then it simply will not work. Additionally, if you are dealing with a serial cheater, or one who continues to cheat even though they have vowed fidelity, this process will never end. Therefore, you likely cannot, nor will not, ever rebuild the trust necessary for a healthy marriage.
Deal with triggers. Triggers are certain names, places, and events which painfully remind you of the time your spouse was having an affair or relationship. Perhaps it is a certain song that was popular during the time of the affair, a restaurant or motel he or she told you they visited, places they came in contact, people they work with or know, or mutual friends.
- Triggers also come in the form of seeing someone who reminds you of the other man or woman, or hearing their name. Often, looking back at old photos will also become a trigger if in the photo you are standing there smiling at the camera blindly unaware that your spouse was sleeping with someone else at that time.
- Triggers are all hurtful reminders.
- There is really no remedy for triggers or way to avoid them. The only thing to do is to try to keep from obsessing over them and driving yourself crazy about things which you cannot control.
Set realistic goals. This is the point when you need to figure out whether or not you will be able to continue in your present relationship. Of course, it will never be the same, and following traumatic events you must learn to settle into a “new reality”. Consider:
- Can you continue to live in this manner? Do you feel comfortable that you will be able to trust your spouse again and not keep beating them over the head every day with questions and comments about the affair? Have they taken responsibility for their actions, put an honest effort into repairing the relationship, vowed not only never to repeat the behavior again, but also to not allow themselves to create or support an environment or relationship where this could happen again in the future? If so, and if you feel that in time the relationship can be fixed, then moving on in your marriage is a realistic goal.
- If, on the other hand, your spouse refuses to acknowledge the affair, will not answer questions, behaves suspiciously, and/or continues contact with the other man or woman, you need to ascertain if you can indeed continue to live with this. If not, then reconciliation is not a realistic relationship goal. Only you can do the assessment here: Although input from others might be nice, in the long run you need to take this time to determine what is in your best interests on your own.
Find a healthy new self. With or without him or her, you will recover and you will be okay. It does take time, but you will emerge from this experience a healthier, stronger, and more aware person. Recognize that you cannot entrust another individual with total responsibility for your happiness. During this process, you should do quite a bit of soul searching in order to discover if there was anything you could have done differently to strengthen the bond in your relationship. Becoming too needy, and overly dependent upon your spouse is nevera good thing.
- Develop hobbies, friends and interests of your own. This way, if your relationship does not work out, you have cushions to fall back on, and if it does work out, you have still been able to use this experience for personal growth.
Be gentle on yourself and open to new growth. There is a lot to be learned about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship following an affair. Be sure not to overlook the lessons only to stay focused on the pain. Remember: That which does not kill us makes us stronger. (The trick is that you have to let it.)

http://www.wikihow.com/Recover-from-an-Affair

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Wife with two kids struggling with compulsive gambling husband

admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 00:41:35 +0000

Hi Gilbert,

A very good day to you.

I came across your website while looking for an online site where I can voice out my doubts and concerns. Hopefully you will be able to be my listening ear.

I am married with 2 beautiful kids, my daughter is coming to 11 years old and my son soon turning 6 years old - both are celebrating their birthdays this April.

My marriage, coming to 12 years this June, is turning into a tiring journey. for me.

My spouse, whom I thought I knew well enough, broke the trust I had in him right after a year after our marriage.

He is a compulsive gambler, a substance user (more of sleeping pills than drugs..thank God!) calculative and also a liar.

We both knew each other since 1995 and we tied the knot in 2000.

His drinking and gambling of 4D and TOTO are well known but I was still naive enough to think that they would disappear after we got married.

I found out his gambling has been very active like 5 times a week and there’s a period when he is spending like almost $100 per week.

I was shocked but what is more hurtful is after promises that he would quit he later went into horse-betting.

This led to a burden of financial issues whereby he ended up tricking me into allowing him to take up a bank loan, defaulted in paying the loan and spent half the loan on his gambling debts.

Due to all this debts and unfullfilled payment of bills, I i ended up selling my precious home.

I regretted selling the flat but thinking of my son who should be in nursery soon I relented.

Till today, he is still gambling and all the betting slips were hidden in his locker at work as he knew I would search through his bags.

The day I found the horse-betting ticket, which he denied was his, was the day that my heart is totally crushed.

My eldest child has seen enough – the shouting, curses, vulgarities, pills, tickets and even those days that the father came back high.

My kids and I were shamed the day he laid drunk under the block and a neighbour knocked on our door to inform us of his miserable condition.

Our life is darkened by him.

There is a day that my girl blurted out: “Mama,with or without papa it doesn’t make a difference as he had never been one and I’m ok with it.”

Now I wonder if it’s best to walk away. I am emotionally tired,drained of love and empty of trust for him.

What worry me is I’m jobless now and I don’t want to lose my kids. They are my strength, soul and life.

They are the voices that stops me from jumping off 12th storey and their words are my drive to survive.

I can’t do without either of them.

I know my spouse has cooled off on the pills abit but the gambling is still there …

Please help me Gilbert, I am totally depressed,confused and lost right now.

Please help me. Sorry if this e-mail is so long but Ii don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,

Alice

******

Hi Alice,

Thanks for your mail and sorry to hear about your marital predicament.

Having a gambler and substance abuser in the family can be difficult and I must admire your resolve to keep the family together despite severe stresses.

Your husband certainly needs help and please refer him to a counsellor at the nearest family service centre if he is open to counselling support.

We can also provide him a volunteer counsellor if he is keen to let us speak to both of you together.

It is difficult to break away the chain of gambling as it is like a drug.

One needs the dosage of betting regularly to get his fix.

I am also glad to know that his drug usage is with sleeping bills and not other stronger stuff which means that it could be easier whetted out of his system.

Do have a good one-to-one chat with your husband.

Sometimes, gambling and drug abuse are symptons of things not right at home.

I can see that you have focused quite alot of attention on your two kids which is good, however, do spare a thought for your husband who may be yearning for your attention.

Have a simple date with him – without the kids.

Rekindle some of the dating experiences you have with him while you are still courting each other.

Try all ways to stay on in the marriage if possible but do inform your husband that he needs to seek help else he will lose the family.

He has to help himself also.

I am providing you a volunteer counsellor Patsy.

Feel free to connect and spend time talking your issues with her over a session.

We are here for you.

Regds,

Gilbert

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Will jobless ex senior civil servant who earned $10,000/month before goes to jail for maintenance arrears?

admin — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 01:31:04 +0000

Editor’s Note: I am glad to report that Shanmuga was able to raise $400 to pay off his maintenance arrears today when I visted him at the family court. He will need to pay off another $1100 in maintenance arrears on 29 March failing which he will need to go to jail for a week. Singapore probably is the only developed country in the world that jails its’ citizens for not paying maintenance money to their family members after a divorce.

When jobless ex senior civil servant Shanmuga filed into the seat at Novena Hans cafe, I couldn’t help but wondered if he has got any problem.

Always smiling during the 2-hour interview held in a rain-soaked afternoon and ever so positive despite the huge maintenance arrears he has chalked up since he was jobless from October last year, Shanmuga may face a jail sentence when he appears in Family Court no. one tomorrow at 4.45pm.

He told me that he took up a part-time courier job just to get by recently and his $1500/month income is erratic as it depends on the number of courier trips he made between Singapore and KL.

This was a far cry from his hay days of earning close to $10,000 a month as a senior civil servant in a stat board. Back then, he could still pay the $1800 monthly maintenance and sometimes even gave more as he was financially healthy.

The maintenance nightmare spiralled downhill when he was made jobless late last year and on top of the adjusted-down $1500/month maintenance from $1800, he has to pay a further $550 a month to make up for the shortfall during that horrendous period.

In total, he has to cough up $2050 every month – and he could only ekk out close to $1500 currently from his part time courier work.

“Its a non-stop nightmare,” Shanmuga confided in me during a rare moment of disdain.

“The court system is not merciful and has no heart,” he further reiterated. He told me that he wants to give money to his daughters – age 24 and 20 years old but he just couldn’t.

He was issued with a warrant of arrest on 9 March for failing to pay $1100 of maintenance arrears (two months of $550 arrear instalment non-payment) and has to appear in court on 13 March to show payment of at least $400 failing which he will likely go to jail.

He told me that he flirted with jail once three weeks ago when he couldn’t pay the arrears of $3300 – a 3-month counter proposal instalment payment plan he promised to the court when he owed his ex-wife close to $10, 000 during a horrendous unemployment period.

The court police handcuffed him then and hauled him to the court jail for an hour – right in front of his ex-wife and two daughters when they filed for non-payment motion against him. He escaped jail only when he counter-proposed to pay $550 a month for the $3300 maintenance default payment.

The 25-year-old marriage broke up four years ago and 53-year-old Shanmuga was earning well then as a senior civil servant.

The $1800 maintenance payment was just a small percentage of his $10,000/month senior civil servant’s pay cheque.

He lost his fat salary job when his contract ended late last year and life basically went downhill since then.

“I have being to the court at least 20 times, Gilbert,” he retorted.

“The judge and the court police must have known me by then!” he chuckled when he bite into his sandwich.

Preferring to file his own downward variation by himself from $1500 to $800 as he could no longer afford an attorney to act on his behalf and also could not qualify for free legal aid, Shanmuga fought a losing one-man show in our women-bias family court. The hearing for the maintenance lowering will be heard on 27 March.

“The woman just have to call or email to trigger a case against you and she don’t have to appear in court whereas you have to fight it by either getting a lawyer to represent you or appear in court personally.”

Personally, I have been to the family court many times when one of our Malay reader Ibrahim faced the same issue as Shanmuga – he was many months in maintenance arrears as he too was jobless immediately after a bitter divorce.

If not for his brother who bailed him out several times, Ibrahim will be in jail as he couldn’t pay maintenance for several months when he was jobless.

Now gainfully employed, Ibrahim could foot the maintenance payment for his three children regularly.

However, like Shanmuga, his relationship with his three children remained estranged even though he has weekly access rights to his children.

According to his ex-wfe, the children didn’t want to see him for personal reasons. He is especially close to his youngest 11-year-old son and missed him immensely.

Shanmuga also has strained relationship with the daughters when the maintenance issue became acronimious. If not, he saw his daughters regularly when he could pay up promptly.

“I just felt that no one has really taken a close look at our system, Gilbert.”

“Its right that the Women’s Chapter fights for the rights of the women and children but do spare a thought for the men who sometimes could not pay maintenance not because we don’t want to but can’t due to certain circumstances.”

He asked me what will I do with the info and how best we can champion the cause of men caught in maintenance issue so that they can have a voice.

I told Shanmuga that we will forward the story to MCYS and probably email a few MPs for their attention.

As Singapore grabbles with a worsening divorce rate here and our men struggled with joblessness due to the huge foreign influx, it is timely that MCYS sits down with all concerned stakeholders and have a proper dialogue to garner feedback from the ground.

The Family Court is out there to impose regulation passed down from the ministry and is seen as merciless when they ruthlessly execute orders to put our men in miantenance default in jail.

However, the system may have fail to seriously look into unique circumstances whereby our divorced men are caught out by unforeseen circumstances such as temporary unemployment.

Moreover, such maintenance payment cases often fought out bitterly in court does not augur well for the relationship between the fathers and their children.

I will be in Family Court One tomorrow at 4.45pm to see if Shanmuga will be handcaffed and place in jail – for the second time and whether he would escape prison again as he did three weeks ago.

Written by: Gilbert Goh

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Coping with a Breakup or Divorce

admin — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 14:48:09 +0000

It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it – the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

Healing after a divorce or breakup

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings.It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
Give yourself a break.Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.
Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Source: Mental Health America

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:

Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)
Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses)

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:

Don’t fight your feelings– It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
Talk about how you’re feeling– Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
Remember that moving on is the end goal– Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future– When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression – Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.
Get outside help if you need it.If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.
Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.

Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup

Need More Help Coping?
Helpguide’s Bring Your Life into Balance mindfulness toolkit can help.

A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable.

Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible.

Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Self-care tips:

Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
Pay attention to what you needin any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say “no” without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.
Stick to a routine.A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.
Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions.
Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.
Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you’re going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don’t make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup

In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:

Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

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Estrangled woman finding it hard to move on after her divorce

admin — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 04:34:41 +0000

Hi Gilbert,

Thanks so much for your prompt reply. I’m not even sure where to begin, so excuse me for the long story.

I was married sometime in 1997 and during my confinement month in 1999, found some inappropriate smses in my husband’s hp. When I queried him about them, he said that they were just pranks from his colleagues. About a year later, I found more smses as well as some internet correspondences with different women. This time when I confronted him, he eventually confessed and blamed me for pushing him into it. I may not have been the model wife but I sure did try my best including supporting the home, him as well as giving him money for his mother, waiting up nights for him to return home… Anyway, we agreed to a divorce.

We were estranged for almost 7 years during which he initially and infrequently came back to stay and eventually moved out. We agreed to put off the divorce till later as we had just been enbloc-ed and moved into a new place and could not sell the house unless we were penalized.

During all those years, he rarely spent much time with his son nor did he gives any form of support. After the divorce, he moved to Jakarta for work but provided maintenance to his son as well as spend more time with him. I asked to keep the house and had a dollar for alimony. (I did not ask for more as he was in debt with a few banks and I even had the bailiffs break into my home to seize the things there. I eventually had to swear that the items seized belonged to me as I had paid for them. )

He said he couldn’t get a loan to repay his cpf and said that he would give up his PR status so that he wouldn’t need to reimburse his cpf loan (he was to transfer the flat to me and he was to repay his cpf loan himself). I had chased him to settle the transfer of the flat, but it was put off as he delayed it and eventually, I lost my job and can’t get a loan for the flat.

He came back to Singapore sometime in 2010 and got remarried here in 2011. Now he is chasing for the transfer of flat as well as demanding fixed regular times to meet up with his son. We had discussed this earlier and he had agreed to give me an alimony of $1,000 in January to help with the repayments on the flat. He not only went back on his word but got a lawyer to send me a letter demanding that I do so or they’ll go to court. In this letter, it also stated that I was obstructing access to the child. I had explained to him that last year being PSLE year for my son, he needed more time with his studies and as well as him being in Secondary school now, he would need more time to himself.

I’ve asked a lawyer to act for me but am currently not working and am upset to have to waste my savings (which I had intended to buy my son new bed, wardrobe, fridge, fix the toilets…) on this matter. Actually, upset doesn’t even begin to cover it. I find myself very agitated, angry, despondent and it’s getting more and more difficult for me to do anything. I have to act normal infront of my son. I’m very much at a loss as what to do next. I think I need help.

Bitter wife

Editor’s note: We have being trying to arrange a session with the writer but so far it has been unsuccessful.

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Support group series started on 17, 24 and 31st March – next series scheduled in May/June

admin — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 11:32:06 +0000

Editor’s Note: Twelve participants have gathered for the year’s first support group series starting on 17, 24 and 31st March (Saturday from 3 to 5pm). The theme is how to move on after a divorce. Our second series will kick off in May/June period and will expand into a 4-part series. Please register early to avoid disappointment!

Dear Friends,

I am the organiser of the support site for the divorced www.steadymarriages.com and thank you very much for writing in seeking support on your divorce matters.

We are a small non profit team of volunteers who just want to reach out to the divorced community.

Right now. we have the intention to start a 3-week series of support group activities with the theme “Moving on after your divorce“.

The support group activities will focus mainly on giving you tools and tips to move on after your divorce.

I am trying to get a consensus on how many of you will be interested on the series.

We will only start if there is a response of around ten participants.

It will likely be held in mid-March on a Saturday afternoon starting from 3-5pm. Details will be out soon once we manage to have ten participants.

It will be held free of charge in a conducive environment and trained counsellors will be helming the sessions.

Do email me if you are keen to participate at gilbert@steadymarriages.com or goh_gilbert@yahoo.com.

If you are unsure please do not reply to this posting.

We need serious people to respond to us so that we know you will commit to the 3-week support group activities.

Take care and stay strong. We are here for you.

Gilbert Goh

Organiser

www.steadymarriages.com

gilbert@steadymarriages.com

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Who Should Be Disappointed With Yaw’s Alleged Scandals?

admin — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 05:11:58 +0000

Who Should Be Disappointed With Yaw’s Alleged Scandals?

The news was out on Wednesday 22 Feb 12 that former Hougang MP and Workers’ Party (WP) member Yaw Shin Leong won’t be appealing his expulsion from WP following news of his alleged scandals in January this year. I recalled that news of his alleged extra-marital affairs broke amid the Chinese New Year celebrations. At that time, I just dispel them as rumours as I have faith in WP under the stewardship of its chief, secretary-general Low Thia Khiang. My father even speculated that maybe a pro-PAP woman spy was out to lead Yaw astray!

When Yaw chose to remain silent over the allegations, I just thought that maybe his mentor Low asked him not to make any comments to the media so as not to aggravate matters. However, with the public tipping off the media reporters, more news was revealed that he has at least 2 girlfriends other than his legal wife. He was divorced once and his marriage with Madam Lau, 33, was his second. It was reported that his girlfriends are also married; one of them is a Chinese national while the other is a fellow WP member. I wondered whether the other WP woman also got expelled as well to uphold the high moral principles and integrity of the party.

In the past, most of the girlfriends of married men were gullible single women looking for companionships, but nowadays, there seemed to be a global trend of married men and women flirting with each other outside the sanctity of marriage. I was surprised about such unfaithfulness as Singapore is still a conservative society. I wondered how people would have the time and energy to indulge in affairs when married people were supposed to have heavy work and family commitments. Even if they are in an unhappy marriage, they should end it first before starting a new relationship. They should be responsible enough to understand the consequences of their infidelity on their respective spouses or kids.

PM Lee said that WP has let down the Hougang residents. PAP’s Chairman Knaw Boon Wan even questioned why WP decided to field Yaw as a candidate in Hougang in last year’s General Elections, misleading the voters. Nevertheless, amid the uproar over the issues of the selection process for a potential MP, Low was calm in rebutting PM and Khaw. In the Yahoo! video, Low said that WP didn’t let the people down and hoped that PM Lee won’t wait too long for a by-election given the sentiments on the ground. He also said that he was not a “Private investigator” to pry into Yaw’s private life. His relationship with Yaw was a working relationship. The party’s statement also revealed that WP only got to know about the allegations through media reports.

I really admired Low for his wit and courage in answering reporters’ questions. Although he has mentored Yaw for over 10 years, he was decisive in expelling him given that the party’s future was at stake. I think Low should be the person most disappointed with Yaw’s actions – his protege whom he has helped to groom for well over ten years.

However, as the shrewd politician, he didn’t show it and instead, chose to focus on the looming by-election.

Next person to be disappointed with Yaw should be his wife, Madam Lau. It was not known whether she knew about the scandals through media reports or before that. However, she chose to support him at the meet-the-people session even after the news broke and went overseas with him to avoid the limelight. If I were her, I would choose to divorce him since he has not only one extra-marital affair. It was hard to fathom how Madam Lau could still face the media bravely after being a victim herself. If I were her, I would not go overseas with him to escape the saga. I would remain in Singapore with my family and friends supporting me through this difficult period. Even if he chose not to come back to Singapore, it wouldn’t bother me after what he had done. Thus, from this saga, I found out that Madam Lau is a forgiving wife. But I wondered how their future together would unfold.

Lastly, the Hougang residents and other WP supporters would be most disappointed with Yaw since he was widely seen as Low’s successor in Hougang. Low was a Hougang MP for 20 years before he finally passed the baton to Yaw. Therefore, I believed that most Hougang residents voted for Yaw because they have faith in Low. As for the rest of WP supporters, Low has promised to put the wrong things right in media reports but now it all became an empty dream…

To conclude, I think Low has done the right thing by expelling Yaw. Low would have let his Singaporean supporters down even more if he didn’t take the drastic action of sacking Yaw and putting things right. I have faith that WP will win with a bigger majority in Hougang if the by-election is held in the near future.

Written by: Jean Low

Editor’s Note: The writer is a former tutor and is now in transition.

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Husband filing for divorce on wife with a drinking issue and affair

admin — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 06:26:34 +0000

Hi Gilbert

I’m currently facing sleepless night… I could be drinking till I knock out but after 2 hours, I’ll be up again… waking up in the middle of the night staring at the window till the sun rises… plus I seem to be losing my appetite…. I haven’t been eating much these few days… finding it hard to accept all that is happening around me… and it’s happening so fast.

From the day I found out on the 18 Jan till now.. it’s only 9 days… but we are already planning on divorce.. I tried to patch things up with her… she said she will and not contact the guy… but I found out she’s still doing so. First thing in the morning after waking up is to message that guy good morning dear…

I really find it hard to accept that she’s taking it so easy… what about our daughter? I ask her why she still doing this.. her reason was.. She’s selfish.. she wants attention and people to pity her since her family has ignore her after they found out… she said that man is giving her support and not blaming her… and she feels good…

Gilbert..please help me check with Mr Fairuz on how I shall handle the family court on 2nd Feb plus the divorce ..because I want to handle it peacefully… but even if we agree on share custody.. She wants to be the main caretaker. But I would want to be the main caretaker instead. Let me explain why.

All this while she hasn’t been working.. She has not much past working experience. She uses to work at pub and restaurants and as a broker (only for 3 months and she MIA on the job). But before we got marriage, she has already stop working so she didn’t stop work just to take care of our daughter.

But after our daughter was born. I told her to stay home to look after daughter as I find it with her history it will be very hard for her to find a job. She owed Citibank bank and UOB bank money and I’m helping her to pay. Those debts were already there before she met me. Her bank account has been frozen for failing to pay up in the past. So she can’t have any account. Next thing is she likes to party and drink. On many occasions, she was drunk and had to be send home. And she had a drinking issue before she was pregnant. She has to drink daily if not she can’t sleep.

Plus she does have not any health insurance and she’s not working.. She is not able to pay for any medical bills without me. So I hope to be the main caretaker for our daughter when I file for divorce. I have witness to prove those lewd text messages between her and that man.

Please advise on how I shall handle this.

Thanks.

Samuel

*********

Hi Samuel

Thanks for your mail and sorry to hear about you marital predicament.

An affair is very tough for any spouse to handle and more so from a man’s perspective.

There is the damage to one’s faith and trust in the spouse.

Yet, many partners have chose to forgive the person and move on.

Of course, the guilty party must admit to the affair and not see the third party again or else its almost impossible for the marriage to function.

I would advise speaking with your wife and see how she responded.

Is she willing to admit to the affair and continue with you or she also wants to end the marriage?

Are you willing to forgive her is she admits to the affair?

All these are important questions you have to settle first before making a decision.

Divorce should be your last option – after exhausting all other avenues.

Moreover, you have a young child to consider and children thrive best when there are two parents around them.

I am available to talk privately with you after the Chinese new year.

Take care and be strong.

Gilbert Goh

Editor’s Note: I have seen Samuel and he has proceeded with legal action to annul his marriage recently and will seek care custody of the child.

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Coping with a Breakup or Divorce

In This Article:

Healing after a divorce or breakup

Coping with separation and divorce

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process

Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup

Self-care tips:

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup

Some questions to ask yourself:

Estrangled woman finding it hard to move on after her divorce

Support group series started on 17, 24 and 31st March – next series scheduled in May/June

Who Should Be Disappointed With Yaw’s Alleged Scandals?

Who Should Be Disappointed With Yaw’s Alleged Scandals?

Husband filing for divorce on wife with a drinking issue and affair