Hi Gilbert,

I discovered my husband is still having an affair with the same woman I found out in 2008.

He doesn’t know that I have seen his watsapp conversation with the woman yet.  I had suffered a depression because of this few years back.

I am now fully recovered after 4-5 years. We have a house and 2 young kids.

I am a highly paid professional with a stable job and have my parents staying at our place helping to look after the kids.  We also have a domestic helper.

Can I ask ithe following:-

1) He is to continue to pay for the monthly household contribution

2) He is to move out of the house but allowed on certain days to visit the kids
My aim is to minimize any disruption to my kids.  They are happy and bright kids and I do not want a divorce decision to affect their childhood in any way.  I do not want them to know about it until they are old enough to handle it.

My husband is always at work (not sure if its true) anyway so the kids won’t suspect a thing.  I also have the chocie to take up an international assignment with my company where I can bring my kids along.
Your advice is much appreciated.
Best Regards

Helen

******

Hi Helen

Hi Gilbert,

I was retrenched in January this year and have not been able to find a full time job since.

Being 52 years of age and the last 12 years holding a Director position in the private sector, I know that it is impossible or close to impossible to get a job with the same salary and position.

Accepting reality, I applied for various jobs, some outside of my experience and skillset, some with a salary that is > 50% lower than my last drawn salary, from sales to engineering work. I did not receive any response from the prospective employers.

Fortunately, 3 years ago I invested in a small F&B business with an ex-colleague and this business is now my only source of income. In parallel, I continue to search for that much needed full time job.

My 2nd problem (besides the 1st of still not being able to find a full time job) is that the monthly income from my F&B business is less than the maintenance payments which I have to pay to my ex-wife.

My divorce was Decree Nisi in 2008 and I am under a Court Order to pay $5000 as maintenance to my ex-wife and 3 children.

My total monthly take home income shrunk from $16,000 to $4,500 after I was retrenched. I plan to file a variation request to the Family Court to seek a reduction in the maintenance amount to be compatible/proportional to my reduced income and what I can now afford.

I seek your view and advice as to :-

- If I am now earning less than my ex-wife, can I apply for the maintenance to be reduced or is it a waste of time

[James - legal counsel] If your salary has reduced, it would be prudent for you to apply for variation. If the maintenance is in respect of your children, given your smaller salary, you may not be able to afford the maintenance that you are presently paying. Maintenance of the children is the responsibility of both you and your ex-wife and not your sole responsibility. If you are earning lesser than your ex, effectively, your ex needs to contribute more to the maintenance of the children.

You have presently re-married and you need also to maintain your present wife. With this added responsibility, you will not be able to afford to continue with the present maintenance order.

- If I run down my savings and eventually cannot keep up with the payments, what will happen – go to jail?

[James] You need to make an application for variation as soon as possible before your savings run dry.

- What are factors the court will look at when I file the variation order, eg., do they look only at income or would they also look into assets … savings, stocks, property … as I own a property jointly with my wife ( I am re-married) which is still under mortgage, will the court force me to sell it?

[James] Usually, the court will look at your your salary. In respect of your other assets, at the divorce application that has already been dealt with when matrimonial assets are divided.

The court will also look at your new changed position, i.e, you have remarried, whether you have children from your new marriage, your debts, your wife’s salary and her debts your other liabiliites. There must be a change in circumstances from the time the court made the order for maintenance. If the order for maintenance was made by consent, you need to seek your ex consent to vary the order. If not you need to make an application to set aside the present order on maintenace and get a fresh order for maintenance.

- do I need to engage a lawyer (I want to avoid doing so as lawyers fees are rather hefty – I had checked with several firms and they charge from $3500 upwards)

[James] Better to engage a lawyer. If not, you may find difficulty in making your application in court. You can approach the Family Court Registry or the HELP Centre in Subordinate Courts to help you with the application, if you do not wish to engage a lawyer.

I am very very pressurized by this event in my life, I want to continue supporting my kids as much as I can until they reach 21 (my eldest is 19, second is 18 and youngest is 13 this year) and I am feeling desperate with each passing day due to the uncertainty of my future.

I thank you for your time to look into my matter and look forward to receive your reply.

Kindly assist to keep details of this email confidential by masking my name and the figures, if you intend to publish it on your website.

Thank you

Arthur

Dating After Divorce: 10 Rules For A Stress-Free Love Life Post-Split

Think nothing could be more stressful than going through divorce? Try dating after a split, which can be a major source of anxiety for recently-separated singles. Navigating the dating scene after divorce does involve getting out of your comfort zone — but it doesn’t have to be stressful, if you’re able to embrace a healthy mindset and follow a few basic dating rules.

“People expect, especially later in life, that dating is going to be the same as it was in their early 20s when they first were dating -– and it’s not at all,” matchmaker and dating coach Kimberly Seltzer tells the Huffington Post. “The pool is different, and people have life experiences and stress to contend with. The first thing to change is your mindset.”

Even though things have changed — both in your relationships and out in the dating world — meeting new people doesn’t have to be an anxiety-inducing process. Scroll through the list below for a 10-step guide to getting back in the saddle with less stress post-split.

1. Get In Touch With Yourself First.

Before you even think about going on your first date post-split, make sure to get back on track with yourself and adjust to your new single lifestyle. Seltzer recommends focusing on exploring new interests, cultivating a healthy lifestyle and renewing your image with a wardrobe update.

“The first step is getting back to basics and figuring out what your passions are, and also feeding your spirit and getting really solid with yourself,” Seltzer says. “It can be overwhelming, so really focus on you first before you get back into the dating pool.”

2. Find Some Single Friends.

Finding a group of single friends is the next step, says Seltzer (she adds, “If you don’t have ‘em, get ‘em!”). Going out and having a good time with friends can be a great way to both boost your confidence, adapt to your new single lifestyle and meet people. You never know who will catch your eye at a bar, coffee shop or play — and if you see someone who interests you, don’t be afraid to say hello (see rule #3).

If most of your friends are married and you’re having a hard time meeting like-minded singles, Seltzer recommends joining groups or clubs based on your interests or attending networking events.

3. Don’t Rush.

If you’re still experiencing anger towards your former spouse and haven’t moved past constant thoughts of your marriage, you may not be ready to start dating yet.

According to Marni Battista, relationship coach and founder of Dating with Dignity, you’ll know that you’re ready when you can talk about your ex without having to put him or her down.

4. Get Online (And Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help).

The new technology of dating can be very stressful, Battista tells the Huffington Post. “Texting, sexting, chatting, Skyping, instant messaging, dating sites…All of that can really stress someone out and they can get overwhelmed and they may not do it correctly, which reinforces many of their fears or beliefs that dating is hard.”

While you shouldn’t feel overwhelming by the changing role of technology in the dating scene, it may still help to educate yourself on new developments so that you can text and date online with confidence. These days, the stigma of online dating has all but vanished — so don’t be shy about turning to others for their wisdom when you’re struggling with that “about me” section.

“Spend some time doing a little research,” advises Battista. “Become educated with information. Seek out your friends and ask for help.”

5. Don’t Get Down On Yourself When Things Don’t Work Out.

Dating always comes with the possibility that things won’t work out the way you hoped. But by viewing dating as practice, you can minimize stress and anxiety around encounters that may not have gone as you’d hoped.

“Try to have a mindset that it’s just going to be fun, and that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your Prince Charming,” says Seltzer.

6. Fake It ‘Til You Make It.

Although you don’t want to dive into the dating pool until you’re ready, if it’s been a year and you’re still afraid to go on that first date, it might be time to adopt the old “fake it ’til you make it” strategy to boost your dating confidence. There is scientific evidence that suggests pretending to be confident can actually make you more confident. In a recent Huffington Post article about how acting in love helps you stay in love, Dr. Craig Malkin discussed the benefits of this technique. The lesson is simple, Malkin writes: “First we act; then we feel.”

7. Don’t Dish On The Details Too Early.

You want your date to see you for all the things that make you who you are — not just as someone who’s recently gone through a tough divorce.

“Save the story of your past for when you have a connection,”  says Battista. “Then they can put you in context with who you are now, not to just try to paint that picture against the backdrop of your divorce.”

8. Make Time To De-Stress Before A First Date.

First dates are nerve-racking for everyone — not just recent divorcees. But you can keep the jitters at bay (and make sure not to come across as too nervous) by taking a little time while you’re prepping to get yourself relaxed and centered.

“Take a moment to get calm and take a few deep breaths and envision you going on this date and having a great time,” says Battista. “Spend even 60 seconds imagining the date being what you want it to be, rather than what you’re afraid of.”

9. Don’t Be Afraid To Take Risks.

Dating can bring out our worst fears of the unknown, causing us to hold back and avoid taking risks when it comes to our love lives. Once you’ve gotten back on your feet and have established a single life that you love, then you can turn your focus to dating again.

“Ask yourself if you like your life the way it is now –- are you looking for a person to add to it, or to fill in the gaps? You [should be] dating from a place of opportunity rather than a fear,” says Battista.

To get past your fear of putting yourself out there, try to look at dating as an opportunity for self-discovery, rather than just a way to get a new love interest. This way, you’ll be focusing first on your own needs, which will make for a less stressful dating experience — and will help you to find someone who truly meets your needs and contributes positively to your life.

10. Don’t Take Dating Too Seriously.

Although it may be hard to think of dating as fun when you’re just getting started, that’s exactly what it should be. Look at your dating experiences as testing the waters, rather than a race to a new relationship — it will take  the pressure off and help you simply enjoy the process.

“For the first three to six months, look at dating as an opportunity to practice. If you fail it doesn’t matter,” says Battista. “Go into it saying that the result is not a reflection of your lovability. Just use it as a practice ground.”

Tell us: How do you avoid post-divorce dating stress? Share your thoughts in the comments or tweet @HuffPostDivorce. Then, click through the slideshow below for suggestions from readers on how they make dating more fun after divorce.

When your other half strays from the relationship and looks elsewhere for emotional or physical needs, you might choose to end the relationship immediately or choose to remain in it. Either way, a marital affair outside has crippling effects that can be felt by both parties for some time. The emotional trauma guts your soul and more often than not, the unintentional hurt affects your kids too.

So what is an affair anyway?

No, that drunken debauchery from your brother’s Christmas party does not count (Unless you’ve been eyeing your sister-in-law for a long time. Which is another story altogether.) It’s definitely not a midnight sojourn with a complete stranger in the backpacker’s inn and it definitely isn’t a one-off clandestine affair with the foreign tourist you’re never going to see again. An affair is a sexual relationship that lasts more than one night where at least one of the lovers is publicly committed to someone else.

Pick a ballpark figure of 40% and you are pretty close to summing up the prevalent state of marital affairs in marriages. In fact, I’d go out on a limb and say that both parties are more likely to have an affair than you are to divorce. Such is the state of promiscuity in the society we live in today it’s no longer a done deal when the celebrant announces John and Jane Smith are now Husband and Wife.

God gave humans the ability to feel and emote and it wasn’t until the dawn of religion did monogamy kick in. Temptations abound and we’d be lying to ourselves if we didn’t sneak another peak at the hot ass in the tight-fitting jeans.

These days it’s difficult to define what constitutes cheating and infidelity is because people have differing opinions on the subject and what they would consider appropriate or inappropriate behaviour from a spouse. As a general rule of thumb, the following points are what is deem ‘wrong’. While some couples would have no problems with the following behaviours, others might find them completely unacceptable.

Dealing with an affair

Unless the fabric of your primary relationship has experienced a breakdown, no one can come between you and your partner. It’s important to deal with the trust issues as carrying the baggage of infidelity will over time, snowball into a series of events that will force the both of you to examine the truth and deal with the confrontational effects.

Whatever the reasons are, the less time you spend analysing the whys and the hows the more time both of you would have to grow and find out what went wrong in the relationship. The things in your life that provided you with stability has been shattered, and while Rome wasn’t built in a day, it’s important to know that the sense of stability comes from within yourself.

It’ll take time to heal and trust again after a marital affair, but nothing is bigger than the experience of the heart and your love and commitment to someone. It’s important to feel what you’re feeling and communicate. Confusion, bottling up your emotions, venting your anger and finding somebody to blame is all good but remember to deal with them.

Surround yourself with your friends and family. They are the buttress of support you will be relying on during this tumultuous period of your life.

Most importantly, do not blame yourself. Self-reproach is the quickest way to kill any chance of salvaging your sanity and the relationship. Not only will you fill yourself with more emptiness, your self esteem will take a bigger hit. The decision to cheat was not yours, but your partner’s.

Sure, there are problems in every relationship, but because your partner caved in and sought affections from someone else, you’re wiser and stronger than what you think you really are.

http://sg.theasianparent.com/marital-affairs-in-singapore/

Gender Differences and Why They Don’t Matter So Much

How Long Does “Typical” Divorce Recovery Take?

Hi Gilbert,

Thanks for reverting. I don’t have the mettle to go through the support group sessions.

My hubby  is basically a good guy, great sense of humour, reliable friend, pubbing buddy, best travel partner.

But he is emotionally unavailable.

And he has other personal issues which he would not deal with.

Kind of  makes it very hard for me as his wife.

Tried personal counselling, marital counselling and talking to him. Didn’t work…

He is only able to give knee-jerk reactions. Like now.

Yesterday I told him I want out. Now he is frantically doing everything he can to make me stay. Yet again…sigh.

Things in life such as work, further studies, social activities etc just occupied our minds most of the time.

So, lots of time just flew by. But deep inside I feel miserable.

I seem to come home everyday to an empty house (his presence in the house does not seem to matter anymore).

I didnt want it this way.

All I know is I am not happy in it. It’s causing me a lot of unhappiness. A lot.

I can only handle this much. I wanted to leave several times but failed.

I am afraid this time I will fail myself again.

Thanks for listening,

Pat

*******

Hi Pat

Your husband sounds like the avoidant personaity kind.

Do read up the following link for a more detailed description of this kind of personality:-

http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/AVPD.html

“People who live in a relationship with a person who suffers from avoidant personality disorder often recognize that something is not quite right with the behavior of their family member or loved-one but often do not know what to do about it or that there is even a name for it. They may feel trapped in the relationship and frustrated by their loved-one’s tendency to pull them away from family, friends and other “everyday” social settings.”

People with  type of personality tends to isolate themelves and wont want to give too much into a relationship for fear of being hurt.

It may help if you know abit more about the psychology of men especially during their childhood.

Most people suffer from the consequences of a bad childhood.

Once you know why they behave like that, you can then plan out some remedies.

Is your hubby open to seeing a psychologist or  counsellor?

Seeking help may be the best solution here as it seems that both of you are now in a dangerous stalemate and the next alternative is to file for a divorce which could be prematured and unnecessary.

Do write to me if you need further olnine assistance.

Gilbert Goh

Consequences of divorce are difficult to distinguish from effects of situations closely associated with divorce. Marital conflict, separation, loss or partial loss of one parent, changes in social and financial status, single-parent households, and ongoing legal battles about child support and visitation can ensue. Blending families, which can include a stepparent or two, step-siblings, and children of the new union who are half-siblings, is also part of the extended process of which the divorce is only one isolated event.

The suddenly single parent must shoulder the full burden of parenting while dealing with his or her own feelings of loss and disappointment. Divorce represents a great loss for at least one spouse and frequently leads to personal dysfunction expressed in depression, aggression, somatic complaints, and sexual acting-out behaviors.^[6] The dys-function can affect parenting responsibilities, which can be overwhelming. Some parents become overly close, inappropriately elevating the children to the role of companion to replace the lost spouse. Other parents become harsh, distant, and authoritarian as they direct the hostility they feel toward the children, doling out more negative and punitive discipline. Children might be unsupervised for long periods as parents work extended hours or re-enter the realm of dating. Some children are overburdened with household chores and rearing younger siblings. The parents can be so exhausted or so invested in their own situations that they have little left to devote to their children, which can lead to disruptions in affection, discipline, and even the daily household routines, such as meals and bedtimes. A hallmark of parenting after a divorce is that it is erratic and inconsistent.^[7]

Financial consequences become clear as separated parents must maintain two households with two sets of expenses on the same income as before the divorce. Despite progress during the past decades, only 50% of single-parent households headed by the mother have child support agreements from the father, and only 50% of those receive the full amounts due. Twenty-five percent of the households with support agreements receive no money whatsoever from the noncustodial parent.^[7] Custodial parents might immerse themselves in work or a second job to compensate for the financial shortfall. Children often view this behavior as abandonment.

Economic stress extends outside the home. Children are aware of their economic standing compared with those around them. Those who suddenly have less money for brand-name clothing or the unessential “needs” of the average adolescent feel as though they stick out like beacons. A move from a nicer to a more modest house or neighbor-hood shows everyone that their financial worth has changed.

Parental contact is also a casualty of divorce. Wallerstein and Blakeslee^[2] found that an employed mother in a two-parent home is in contact with the children 25 hours a week. After the divorce, this number decreases to 5.5 hours a week. A housewife has her 45 hours a week before the divorce decrease to 11 hours a week after the divorce. The employed father’s hours decrease from 20 hours a week in the two-parent home to 2 hours a week after the divorce.

Dear Friends,

We are conducting a forum on “Marital  break down in Singapore – what’s next?” on 2 Feb (Sat) at 2 pm at NVPC.

The address is 6 Eu Tong Sen Street #04-88 The  Central Clarke Quay S(059817) – National Volunteer and Philanthrophy Centre. Please use the shopping mall lift up.

Every year, more tha 7000 marriages broke down for the past few years  and the legal implications are enormous and cumbersome.

Acrimonious  divorces can be harmful not only to  one’s mental health  but also affect the well being of our children.

If you are currently under going a complicating  divorce situation or are contemplating filing for a divorce due to various reasons, come and hear Mr David LIew of Law Hub LLC speaks  on the matter.

Mr Liew has many years of experience dealing with family law and has his own office at South Bridge Road.

If you are keen to attend the forum, simply email me at gilbert@steadymarriages.com or goh_gilbet@yahoo.com providing your contact number and name.

The forum is free of charge but we appreciate any donation after the event but this is not obligatory.

Seats are limited and we go on a first-come-first-serve basis.

Gilbert Goh

Organiser

Divorce  support services

It may be helpful to understand a little about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women and children. The divorce rate in the United States is the highest in the world. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Sixty-seven percent of all second marriages end in divorce. As high as these figures are, what is also true is that the divorce rate appears to be dropping. The reasons for this change are not clear. Many people cannot afford to divorce, many people cannot afford to marry. Another reason is that “baby boomers,” who account for a large proportion of our population are no longer in their 20s and 30s, the ages when divorce is most prevalent. The societal expectation is that divorced life is less satisfying than married life. Divorce is associated with an increase in depression–people experience loss of partner, hopes and dreams, and lifestyle. The financial reality of divorce is often hard to comprehend: the same resources must now support almost twice the expenses.

Fifty percent of all children are children of divorce. Twenty-eight percent of all children are born of never married parents. Divorce is expensive. Aid for Dependent Children (AFDC) resources are drained by the needs of divorced and single parent families; including the cost of collecting child support.

Here are some of the experiences of men and women in divorce.

For women:

 1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men

2. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court)

3. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children

4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200

5. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support (figure based on all children who could be eligible, including never-married parents, when fathers have custody, and parents without court orders); 75% receive court-ordered child support (and rising since inception of uniform child support guidelines, mandatory garnishment and license renewal suspension)

6. After divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than do men. The reasons for this are that (1) women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when such problems end, (2) women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help from others, and (3) women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce and add new roles to their lives.

7. Women who work and place their children in child care experience a greater stigma than men in the same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.

For men:

 1. Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women. The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the common interruption of the parental role.

2. Men remarry more quickly than women.

3. As compared to “deadbeat dads,” men who have shared parenting (joint legal custody), ample time with their children, and an understanding of and direct responsibility for activities and expenses of children stay involved in their children’s lives and are in greater compliance with child support obligations. There is also a greater satisfaction with child support amount when negotiated in mediation. Budgets are prepared, and responsibility divided in a way that parents understand.

4. Men are initially more negative about divorce than women and devote more energy in attempting to salvage the marriage.

Effects of Divorce on Children

In the last few years, higher-quality research which has allowed the “meta-analysis” of previously published research, has shown the negative effects of divorce on children have been greatly exaggerated. In the past we read that children of divorce suffered from depression, failed in school, and got in trouble with the law. Children with depression and conduct disorders showed indications of those problems predivorce because there was parental conflict predivorce. Researchers now view conflict, rather than the divorce or residential schedule, as the single most critical determining factor in children’s post-divorce adjustment. The children who succeed after divorce, have parents who can communicate effectively and work together as parents.

Actually, children’s psychological reactions to their parents’ divorce vary in degree dependent on three factors: (1) the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of children in their divorce.

Older studies showed boys had greater social and academic adjustment problems than girls. New evidence indicates that when children have a hard time, boys and girls suffer equally; they just differ in how they suffer. Boys are more externally symptomatic than girls, they act out their anger, frustration and hurt. They may get into trouble in school, fight more with peers and parents. Girls tend to internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches or stomach aches, and have changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.

A drop in parents’ income often caused by the same income now supporting two households directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities, clothing (no more designer jeans and fancy shoes), and school choices. Sometimes a parent who had stayed home with the children is forced into the workplace and the children experience an increase in time in child care.

A child’s continued involvement with both of his or her parents allows for realistic and better balanced future relationships. Children learn how to be in relationship by their relationship with their parents. If they are secure in their relationship with their parents, chances are they will adapt well to various time-sharing schedules and experience security and fulfillment in their intimate relationships in adulthood. In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved in their children’s lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to extraordinary expenses for a child: things like soccer, music lessons, the prom dress, or a special class trip. One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in a child’s life is mother’s attitude toward the child’s relationship with father. When fathers leave the marriage and withdraw from their parenting role as well, they report conflicts with the mother as the major reason.

The impact of father or mother loss is not likely to be diminished by the introduction of stepparents. No one can replace Mom or Dad. And no one can take away the pain that a child feels when a parent decides to withdraw from their lives. Before embarking on a new family, encourage clients to do some reading on the common myths of step families. Often parents assume that after the remarriage “we will all live as one big happy family.” Step family relationships need to be negotiated, expectations need to be expressed, roles need to be defined, realistic goals need to be set.

Most teenagers (and their parents) eventually adjust to divorce and regard it as having been a constructive action, but one-third do not. In those instances, the turbulence of the divorce phase (how adversarial a battle it is), has been shown to play a crucial role in creating unhealthy reactions in affected teenagers.

Joan Kelly, PhD, former president of the Academy of Family Mediators and prominent divorce researcher from California reports that, depending on the strength of the parent-child bond at the time of divorce, the parent-child relationship diminishes over time for children who see their fathers less than 35% of the time. Court-ordered “standard visitation” patterns typically provide less.

Divorce also has some positive effects for children. Single parents are often closer to their children than married parents were. This is can also be negative as when a child takes on too much responsibility because one or both parents are not functioning well as a parent, or when a parent talks to a child about how hurt they are by the other parent, or how horrible that other parent is. Often a separated parent will make an effort to spend quality time with the children and pay attention to their desires (Disneyland, small gifts, phone calls, etc). And you can imagine that some children might find some benefit in celebrating two Christmases and birthdays each year. If both parents remarry, they may have twice as many supportive adults/nurturers. At the very least, when parents can control their conflict, the children can experience freedom from daily household tension between parents.

Emotional Stages of Divorce

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to “get even,” and wishes to reconcile.

To normalize clients experiences during this time, it may be helpful to know that typical emotional stages have been identified with ending a relationship. It may also be helpful to understand that marriages do not breakdown overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident; nor is the breakup the entire fault of one party. The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same stage of the physical (or legal) process.

It is also quite normal to do different things to try to create distance from the former partner while divorcing. Unfortunately, this distancing often takes the form of fault finding. Not to be disrespectful, but it’s not unlike the process one goes through in deciding to buy a new car: somehow every flaw in that favorite old car needs to be noticed and exaggerated in order to feel okay about selling it. Also, if the other person is portrayed as really awful, one can escape any responsibility for the end of the marriage. A common response to divorce is to seek vengeance. When parties put their focus on getting even, there is an equal amount of energy expended on being blameless. What’s true is that blaming and fault finding are not necessary or really helpful. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler has written a very helpful book on this subject entitled Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships, published by Jossey-Bass.

Another normal rationalization is that the marriage was a wholly unpleasant experience and escaping it is good. Or the marriage was unpleasant and now the other partner must make this up in the divorce. Thinking that the marriage was wholly unpleasant is unfair to both parties and can hinder emotional healing. Both stayed in the marriage for as long as they did because there were some good things about it. There were also some things that did not work for them and these are why they are divorcing.

Much of your clients’ healing will involve acceptance, focusing on the future, taking responsibility for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future they would like to create may require an acknowledgment of each other’s differing emotional stages and a compassionate willingness to work together to balance the emotional comfort of both parties.

The following information on the emotional stages of ending a relationship is provided to help parties through the emotional quagmire of ending a relationship and assist in their personal healing.

I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)

A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust
B. Problems are real but unacknowledged
C. Greater distance; lack of mutuality
D. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce
E. Development of strategy for separation
F. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief

II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party
B. Marital counseling, or
C. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)
D. Feelings: relief (that it’s out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt, grief

III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)
B. Seldom reversible (because it’s been considered for awhile)
C. Likely for an affair to occur
D. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low self-esteem, anger
E. Both parties feel victimized by the other
F. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, needy

IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)

A. Physical separation
B. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)
C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)
D. Going public with the decision
E. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home)
F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families
G. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact)
H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics

V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)

A. Adjustments: physical, emotional
B. Accepting that the marriage wasn’t happy or fulfilling
C. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources
D. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)

A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles
B. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity.Comparing Mediation and Litigation

Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people in divorce? On the average, it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.

A litigated divorce can cost each party $5,000 to $35,000. The focus is on assigning blame and fault and skirmishing for the most powerful position (changing locks, freezing bank accounts, getting temporary custody of the children). Communications between parties break down. Negotiations proceed through attorneys and are strategic and positioned. Attorneys have an ethical responsibility to zealously advocate for the best interest of their client. Often there is no consideration of the best interests of the children or recognition for the need for parties to have an ongoing relationship because they have children, friends, extended family, and community together. Going to court is an expensive risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions for you that will affect your whole life.

Mediators may save clients thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counseling fees. Mediators can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well being. Mediators can help parties feel understood, accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and, when there are children, begin to reshape their relationship from one of partners to coparents. Mediators can empower clients by helping them be at their best (rather than their worst) during a challenging time in their lives, enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice vs. court imposition), create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed decisions, and to look back at their behavior in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self respect.

Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Much of children’s post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:

A. DENIAL

 This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and me going to Disneyland; we’re moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have reconciliation fantasies).

B. ABANDONMENT

 When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like “Daddy is divorcing us,” being late for pick-up, or abducting the children. Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have “permission” to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to “take care of” one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.

C. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION

 Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents needs to be unified and age appropriate.

D. ANGER AND HOSTILITY

 Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.

E. DEPRESSION

 Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).

F. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY

 Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents’ love. They may do some “baby-talk” or wet their beds. Children may become “parentified” by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents (“Someone needs to be in charge here.”)

G. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION

 The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents’ reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not “getting on” with their lives. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy. They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.

. BLAME AND GUILT

 Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents’ divorce–they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.

I. ACTING OUT

 Children will often act out their own and their parents’ anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.

In summary, expect that children will test a parent’s loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don’t want the divorce, try to exert some power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent (normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what they’re doing at the moment–similar to the reaction we’ve all gotten when we pick our children up from child care, or we want to go home from the park).

The most common problem which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and projection. Some indicators of each are:

a. Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the phone, child badmouths the other parent.

b. Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.

c. Projection: Children are barometers of a parent’s emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent’s anxiety. Parents should ask themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other household.

Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I. INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A. Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills
B. Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)
C. Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess
D. General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.

II. THREE TO FIVE YEARS:

A. Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking
B. Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories
C. Blaming themselves and feeling guilty
D. Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking
E. Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginess
F. Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.

III. SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:

A. Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected
B. Crying and sobbing
C. Afraid of their worst fears coming true
D. Reconciliation fantasies
E. Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart
F. Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.

IV. NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:

A. Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation
B. Fear of loneliness
C. Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce
D. Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
E. May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorce
F. Feel ashamed of what’s happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.

V. ADOLESCENTS:

A. Fear of being isolated and lonely
B. Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them
C. Feel hurried to achieve independence
D. Feel in competition with parents
E. Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships
F. Discomfort with a parent’s dating and sexuality
G. Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating
H. Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood

  http://www.mediate.com/articles/psych.cfm#effects