Aug 29, 2010

Difficult to accept a loved one’s suffering

Feeling compassion with a detachment is wise, but tough when it comes to Mama

I awoke with a start, a while ago, from a dream. I looked at my watch. It was 4am.

It was a dream worth remembering, so I decided to write it down immediately. If I had not done so, I would not have been able to remember it later.

In my dream, I seemed to be simultaneously at home and outdoors at some unfamiliar place. Suddenly, a monster appeared and attacked me. I struggled with the monster but it matched me strength for strength. I did not utter a sound, nor was I frightened. Instead, I wrestled silently with it.

Suddenly my mother appeared. She walked towards us, but did not say anything either. Instead, she made a dismissive gesture and the monster turned tail and ran away.

That would be Mama’s way of tackling problems, I thought: no need for unnecessary words or actions; just do things quietly and effectively.

At that point, I woke up. I got up from the floor where I was sleeping and went into my mother’s room to see how she was doing. She was sleeping peacefully. I am now back in my room recording what I can still remember of my dream – for a ‘dream’ indeed it was, as it cannot be classified as a nightmare.

For two years and three months already, my mother has been too weak to get out of bed. But in that brief moment in my dream, I saw her again as she had been – physically normal.

I wished I could have dreamt on, and after some time, together with Mama, vanquished the monster in the dream and then walked off together.

In dreams, everything seems possible. That my mother appeared magically in my dream did not surprise me – either while I was dreaming or when I awoke. This is because between Mama and me, there was always some form of telepathy.

Once, when I was staying with my brother Hsien Loong, my toothbrush was worn out and needed to be replaced. I hardly ever shop, so I did what I had always done before: I told Mama I needed a new toothbrush.

Since we were in different houses and I did not want to wake her if she was sleeping by calling her on the telephone, I e-mailed her: ‘Ma, I need a toothbrush.’

She e-mailed back: ‘I am telepathic. I just got a toothbrush for you. But one day, the commissariat will not be around. If you don’t know the word ‘commissariat’ go look it up in the dictionary.’

She was correct: I did not know what the word meant. And since I did not know where the dictionary was kept in my brother’s house, that evening at dinner, I asked him what the word meant.

He knew, of course. ‘Commissariat’, he explained, is a department in the army charged with providing provisions to soldiers.

Now Mama is no longer in a position to be my commissariat. Worse yet, she is bedbound and no longer able to read – a favourite activity of hers.

Mama had wide interests. She knew things that even many highly educated people would not know or be interested in, as would be obvious if one rummaged through her bookshelves, as I did recently.

There were several books on the flora and fauna of Singapore. There was a hardcover book of children’s nursery rhymes, which she had used to read to her grandchildren. Of all her grandchildren, my albino nephew enjoyed reading the nursery rhymes with her the most.

There were several books on Buddhism and Hinduism. There was a King James version of the Bible printed in a large font so that she could read it even without her reading glasses. There were many books on the Indian caste system, and a book describing the ancient city of Harappa in the Indus valley. The city dates back about 4,600 years ago, and was an important trade centre in the ancient world.

Mama was interested in the Silk Route long before it became a fashionable subject of interest. She had a book chronicling the travels of a Victorian lady on the Silk Route.

There were six Malay kamus, or dictionaries. There was a book on Chinese customs and symbols. And of course, there were many books of poetry, including a collection of Rudyard Kipling’s poems.

There were also books relating to the early days of Singapore, including The Battle For Merger, a collection of radio talks my father delivered in 1961, detailing the early history of the People’s Action Party’s struggles with the communists. It is now out of print.

There were many books, too, written by others about my father, including Lee Kuan Yew In His Own Words, excerpts of his speeches from 1959 to 1970, edited by S.J. Rodringuez.

Mama also had the kinds of books one would expect to find on the bookshelves of someone so cultured: among other things, The Tale Of Genji, Ruth Benedict’s The Chrysanthemum And The Sword, Etsu Inagaki Sugimoto’s The Daughter Of A Samurai, the novels of Jane Austen, and a book I enjoyed tremendously as a child, Anne Of Green Gables.

Mama didn’t just collect these books, she read them.

It is now 5.30am. I popped into her room again a while ago and she was still sleeping. I comforted myself that at least when she was sleeping, she was unaware of her unfortunate situation.

Now I am trying to go back to sleep myself, but I cannot do so – not because of the dream but because of Mama’s unhappy predicament. It is acutely felt by her three children, my two sisters-in-law, and my cousin Kwa Kim Li, who is my mother’s favourite niece. But the one who has been hurting the most, and is yet carrying on stoically, is my father.

It is easy when thinking in the abstract, to conclude that being born, growing old, falling sick and eventually dying is what happens to all of us. I accept these facts with no resentment that life is unkind. I have had more than my fair share of bad luck, but I never resented it, for I think suffering built up my resilience.

But I find it difficult to accept my mother’s suffering. The Buddhist principle of feeling compassion but with detachment is wise, but it is not an attitude that I find humanly possible to adopt when it comes to Mama. I cannot see her suffering with detachment.

But there is nothing I can do to get her back to where she was before she suffered a massive stroke on May 12, 2008. She has been suffering since then, and so has my father. But that is life, and we all plod on, fulfilling our duties as best we can. Indeed by focusing my mind on my duties, I manage to temporarily block Mama’s suffering from my consciousness.

The writer is director of the National Neuroscience Institute.

Send your comments to suntimes@sph.com.sg

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Hi Gilbert

My divorce is already at the final stage and we now in the process of  allocating our assets. 

Yes till today, I still believe that a imperfect marriage is definitely better than a divorce………….if only this is possible. Sigh. Let me elaborate abit more about my unhappy marriage.

All these years, I always tell myself to tolerate my spouse, but I realised that I can’t move forward  if I continue to live with him.

 He is a gambler and alcoholic, everything he wants is his way and  showing no respect for me at all.  I finally realise  that I am just a tool for him to start a family, to be a father of a so-call “complete family unit”.  Deep inside, there is no such thing as “mutual understanding and sharing or relationship.” 

I  have married for 20 years, but  have never really experience the married life like what other couples share.  My spouse is too proud to share his feelings with me, he lies, steal, rob and towards 2005 – 2007, he even abused me physically and forced me to jump out of the window from my 11th storey flat. He called me a slut when all my life I had only him as my life partner before and after marriage.

 He wanted to sell our current 2nd flat to settle his gambling debts when he has already received S$25K from the proceeds of our first flat to pay off his gambling debt. Shockingly, he does not want to co-buy another one to shelter us effectively leaving us homeless if we sell our second home.

In Singapore, as a family unit, I cannot buy a flat using my own name if I am still married – when he does not want to co-operate. Hence, due to this housing issue, I am forced to divorce him.  In fact, I have long given up hope in him but thought that  we just stay together for the sake of the children. 

 However, with his constant pestering  to sell our current flat, I need to find other alternative shelter for  my two children and myself and this proves to be difficult in Singapore if we are still officially married.

 In fact, since  2000, I sense that I see only his outer/physical person  but the inner soul is gone.  His soul is not with our family anymore.  He is  drowned in his gambling addiction and alcoholic world. The twin vices have sadly trapped and destroyed him with no sight of any positive outcome.

 As I reflected on my married life for the past 15 years, I simply could not believe that I  have tolerated this marriage for so many long years.  I have now  treated this marriage journey as  a prolonged nightmare and I need to do something drastic to stop the pain.

I am glad that finally I have managed to wake up from my slumber.  I may not have many years to live after my divorce with him, but a day living my own life without  a tyrant taking charge of  my life is a bonus and a blessing.

I am now a different person from when I was 5 years ago. I have changed to a more confident person. I dismiss all negative thoughts from my mind. 

I set a goal for myself i.e. to try to upgrade by enrolling in the  current counselling course, firstly  to further my educational qualification as I am only a “O” level holder and  secondly  to support and help others who are caught  in similar  plight as me. 

I am now walking each single day to arrive at that goal.

Regds,

Helen

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Aug 31, 2010

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 Admitted affair
The man claimed she admitted to the affair.

“I gave her two choices – quit her job and return to my side or divorce. She chose the former, so I forgave her,”he said.

Then, in December 2008, the ex-wife filed for divorce.

The man said she moved out after that and he had not seen her since. Neither had she returned to visit the children.

The New Paper called her mobile phone and asked for her.

A woman answered the phone, and asked in Mandarin: “Are you a middleman?”

She kept quiet when we asked her what sort of middleman she was referring to. When told that she was speaking to The New Paper, the woman on the line
claimed to be a cousin of the ex-wife, who, according to her, was too busy to come to the phone.

The “cousin”, who did not give her name, then said: “She (the ex-wife) said she had suffered enough and will not talk to reporters.

“Since their divorce, she has been secretly going to her ex-husband’s flat. She would hide behind the pillars at the void deck and watch her children.”

When asked if she knew that the ex-wife had been allegedly working as a prostitute, the “cousin” said: “She said she did not. It’s shameless to do that.

“It’s really nothing unusual for her to meet her friends for a drink or a chat after work.”

The “cousin” added that the ex-wife came from a poor family and her parents are farmers.

Subsequent calls to the number went unanswered.

As for the man, he said he regretted marrying her.

He said: “I gave her too many chances.

“If I could choose again, I would rather remain single.”

He added: “But I’m relieved after divorcing her. My children and I are better off without her.”

Judge:I can understand husband’s anger

THE woman filed for a divorce in December 2008, saying in her affidavit that her husband had given her a sexually transmitted infection.

She was diagnosed with syphilis in November 1998, a year after their marriage.

But he had tested negative for the disease soon after that, and submitted two medical reports to show he could not have passed it to her.

The man counterclaimed for divorce, saying it was her unreasonable behaviour that caused the breakdown of their marriage.

He said he was the one who did most of the household chores while she spent her days “lazing about the home watching television or chatting with friends on the phone or
with neighbours”.

He added that her only contribution to the family was to sweep the floor and cook one meal a day for the children when she was home.

She later withdrew her claim and their divorce went ahead uncontested. She asked for maintenance of $1,000 a month and a 50 per cent share of their flat.

She also wanted care and control of their daughter.

 ************

THEIRS was a bitter divorce.

She claimed he had given her a sexually transmitted infection. He accused her of committing adultery and moonlighting as a prostitute.

It got so ugly that the man hired a private investigator (PI) to gather evidence of her nocturnal activities.

And the PI posed as a client and hired the woman to provide sexual services – not once but twice.

The woman, 35, a stall assistant, was allegedly paid $150 on one occasion and $140 on the other. Their encounters at a budget hotel in Changi were secretly filmed and the PI prepared a report which was later tendered in court as evidence.

The man, 51, a delivery driver, told The New Paper that hehired the PI in June.

He said in Mandarin: “She was the one who betrayed me first and yet, she wanted more maintenance.

At the same time, she was making money from other men.

“The humiliation was too much to bear. How could a man stomach this?” The man, who earns less than $2,000 a month, added that he is taking care of their two children, aged 11 and 9.

The couple divorced in July last year after 12 years of marriage.

Matters regarding the division of assets and custody of the children were heard this year.

In March, the Family Court ordered the man to pay her $100 monthly as maintenance and $20,000 as her share of their four-room flat, where the man and the children still live.

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Presently, my ex and I are in the midst of  a divorce and we are  settling our  anxilliary matters and custody of children.

I am very concerned  for  my children. I have a  10-year-old old girl and a 14- year- old boy (boy is from my previous marriage. His biological father had passed away)

This is the second marriage for both of us.
 
We are still staying under the same roof for the time being but my ex has been alienating me from my children since the early part of  2010 till now.

I am a housewife and have been taking care of my children since birth. When my ex and I decided to  divorce, he  has  brainwash my son to go against me  when I was caring for my young daughter. I was totally devastated at my son’s attitude towards me.

Both my children now have turn against me by saying that I have beaten them frequently to support their father which is not true.

Apparently, I can’t see my children at home whenever I am back. My ex would bring them  out and disallowed me to have any interaction with them. He has a maid to inform him whether I am at home or not.

 Thus,  I have no chance at all to see my children. He has also  stopped me from eating and cooking at home. I have no choice but to eat out daily.

My ex would also switch off my electricity for my room and air con usage. I try to bear with it hoping that would minimise our conflicts but it seems to get  worse.

 He had started to sneak into my room, destroyed my belongings and searched my  documents.

 However, my concern now is primarily for my children –  I have lost all  bonding  with them and it is a very painful feeling for a mother!
 
I have now got a court order for our counselling (both children and me) when I applied for the interim care and control for 6 sessions of 2 hours each. It was costly – $200 each time we attended – but it was worth it as at least I got to see my children all by  myself.

I was happy during the first session. My daughter was responding to me. I told her that we should  have steamboat on the next session and she agreed. I asked for a hug and she gave me one! It was the happiest day of my life.

However, my son was asking me  for $500  from our joint bank account. He also told me he wanted to keep the bank book for himself.

 I have asked him why out of sudden he wanted such a big sum of money   and he responded that his father had asked him to take it from me. 

  I refused to give him as he wanted to use the money to  pay  for his Maple games in the computer.

 I told him that he could have $100 during school holidays  and  that he could not keep the bank book for himself.  

 He was unhappy and even  threaten  that he would not see  or talk to me at all if I refuse to give him the bank book!

  He had thought that I would use up all his money as my ex had mentioned in the affidivit that I have used up all their ang pow monies. 
 
After  the second counselling session, both of my children sadly refused to eat out with me. I was crestfallen.

 I have brought along  some old photo albums to show them but they did  not even take a look at it.

 My daughter also  refused to hug me this time.
 
Sir, how could I help myself in this situation? It seems to me that the counselling session did not  help much although I do not  give up hope.

 My questions are:-

1. Do you think the psychiatrist’s evaluation report would help the children?

 I always treasure input from various sources to help me make a decision. Of course, one should not base our decision on just one input. You also have to be comfortable with him as a person as he is in regular close contact with your kids – Gilbert

2.How can the psychiatrist help in opening up their minds?

 A psychiatrist is a medical doctor specialising in the study of human personality and is someone to be respected. It may be wise also to find someone who specialises in assisting children and I am sure that in Singapore there will be many psychiatrists specialising in helping children in a divorce situation.

3. How to help the children to have an open mind that they deserve both their parents’  love?

 I am still unsure why you are still living in the hostile matrimonial home environment while undergoing a divorce proceeding unless you have nowhere to turn to. Hopefully, once the auxiliary issues are sorted out you can have better access to your children.

 It is true that children often suffer when one parent hits out at the other. All parties lose out here and there is no clear winner. It also takes two parents to come to a compromise here but we are know that sometimes this is not possible as shown clearly in your case.

 I always believe that once a family is broken, much has to be done to compensate for the lost love suffer by  our kids  in a dysfunctional family. Nothing beats having two parents instead of one. If the other parent is still in regular contact with his kids when the marriage is broken, much can be salvaged. Nevertheless, the sad story nowadays is kids  often lose contact with their  other parent when there is a divorce due to various reasons.

 For the sake of the kids, always try to allow them easy access to their other parent. Many children grow up not knowing their other parent – normally their dad and regretted that for the rest of their life. This also creates a sense of guilt in their absent parent  and no one is the wiser here.

 Never criticise their other parent openly and always remind them that it’s not their fault that the family breaks up.  Kids often  have the guilt complexion that they are the ones to be blamed when the family breaks up and many suffer for the rest of their life with this myth.

 Of course, many children grow up to be confident normal people in a dysfunctional family setting so I guess nothing is set in stone here.

4. What can I do to be creative to show care and concern towards the children?

 a. Allow them easy access to their other parent however difficult it is for you.

 b. Assure them that it is not their fault that the family breaks up.

c.  Always assure them that you will never leave them – they already have that abandonment feeling when the other parent  is not living with them.

 d. Show love whenever you can – children will respond to love however difficult the situation is.

 e. Seek support for yourself – go for  counselling or seek  friends’ support so that you can hang on and do the necessary stuff when you are strengthened.

5. Are there any suggestions on how  children can  have  counselling  with me  through  the court order?

 I can’t comment on this and will leave this portion to the legal counsel recommended in my earlier mail.
 
6. I know that if the family court gives   custody of the children to me, it would  help me alot and at the same time, the father’s love will not be deprived. But again, this is not how it works in the family court it seems.

 I will leave this part to the legal counsel’s  input.
 
Gilbert, I hope you can answer my enquiries  and if required I do not mind to meet up to discuss on these issues.

 I can refer you to a volunteer counsellor if you want. Just let me know and stay strong! Never give up.
 
Thank you and have a great day!
 
Regards

June (not her real name)
 
 ****************

The Legal Counsel’s View

Dear Gilbert and June,

 I am not clear whether the counselling that you are going through is counselling provided by the court or other forms of counselling. I suspect it may not be court counselling because court counselling is free.

 I am afraid what June  is asking is more a psychological issue rather than a legal one.

 On the legal front, the issues regarding children are custody, care and control and access.

 As for custody, it could be ordered by the court for both husband and wife to have joint custody of the children. This means both husband and wife would have to make decisions on major issues and these major issues are usually on education, religion, health, national service and change of name.

 The next issue is care and control. The parent who has care and control of the children is the parent whom the children will live with after a divorce. The court would usually not advocate the care and control of the children to be split i.e each parent takes one child unless there is very good reasons. I understand that the son is from June’s previous marriage. Rightfully, custody of the son and care and control of the son should go to Vicky as the husband has no connection with the son, unless of course throughout the marriage, the husband has treated the son like his own and cared and maintained the son like his own he may have rights to visit the son upon divorce. 

 As for the daughter, she is the child of both the husband and June. In respect of the daughter, custody may be joint and care and control may be either to husband or June. Given the fact the child is still young and below 10 years old, the court may not ask the daughter who she prefers to live with. If June has been looking after the daughter since birth she would have a better chance to have the care and control of the daughter.

 If the two children live with June, the husband has a right to visit the children. This is call access. Access of the children to the husband could be made flexible or fixed. This would depend on both June  and her husband. If flexible access could create problems, it would be better to fix the access of the children to the husband.

 If June and her husband are going through a divorce, the issues on the children can be fixed for mediation or counselling and the court would assist both parties to achieve an amicable resolution. If mediation and counselling fail, the only alternative to resolve the issues on the children trial. The court usually would not look at any psychiatric report that either the husband or the wife avails to the court. Any psychiatric or psychological report would have to be ordered by the court and not obtained unilaterally by either husband or wife.

 Regards
 Tom (not his real name)

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By ahostagesituation

I love a good man. I have had good men as friends, boyfriends, and I was reared by one. As it turns out, the good women in my life, both married and single, tend to love good men also, and we started discussing some of the things we love about them. The disclaimer here is that some sweeping generalities have to be made for the purpose of prose. Everyone’s different, and this list is not comprehensive. In fun, for the women that love men, we have our reasons, here’s a rough ten. We LOVE:

1. When You Screw Up.

Let me be clear, most women don’t want to date a screw-up, that’s not what we’re saying. It’s just that imperfection can be endearing, if not comical. No one is perfect, and flaws can amuse a woman into solidarity with a man. Now there’s a huge, gaping difference between, “honey, I just slept with your best friend, sorry” and “honey, I lost the gift you gave me, sorry.” Here’s a cute little screw-up of an ex of mine, I actually really like this one. We were headed somewhere, and he’d forgotten to do something, and when I asked him about it, he responded, “sorry, I forgot. Babe, you know I would have done it, you know I’m a puppy for you.” So I’m thinking this is a pretty good line, and tell him so, and he happily takes full credit. Later that same day, I was listening to some music he’d sent me, and that exact line was in one of the songs he’d sent me. “Let You Down” by Dave Matthews Band, to be exact. So I call him on this, explaining that it’s all in the execution, and he has to try harder to hide the lines he steals from songs from me. I thought it was funny. Your mistakes give us a little room to make our own, and helps us both to grow as people.

2. When You Brag About Your Girl.

Hopefully a man doesn’t scatter the room with incessant talk about his significant other. But when a man is in love, and with a woman he’s proud to be with, we all give him a little space to brag. It’s sweet. It shows his appreciation for what he has. It’s a testimony to her, but also a really great testimony to him as well.

3. When We Find Out Something Feminine About You.

We do not want you to try on our underwear. (At least most of us don’t anyway). That’s not the idea. Straight women usually like their men to be men. But when we find Carly Simon on one of your playlists, or hand cream (that belongs to you), in your glove compartment, or exfoliating cream in your medicine cabinet, it scores you points. My dad is about as macho as they come, maybe too much so. But nothing was more adorable to me then sneaking up on my dad to find him watching a Lifetime movie–alone. Listen, women know that you use having a girlfriend as a smart cover for doing girlie things you can’t do otherwise. We know you want to watch Grey’s Anatomy with us, and that it’s easier to tell your friends it’s a favor you’re doing us because you’re just such a great boyfriend. We like when we find out girlie things about you. It’s cute, and it’s funny. It’s sexy.

Two Straight Guys Out Sans Girlfriends
•Hulu – How I Met Your Mother: Girlfriend Withdrawal
Video description: Ted points out to Marshal that his friend Brad is going through girlfriend withdrawal.

4. When You Fix Things.

When we come to you with a problem, we are not always requesting for you to fix it. But we LOVE this instinct about you. We like that you want to fix what’s broken, and we like that a lot of times, you can. We go to our girlfriends for tears and enabling. We go to you because you will likely come up with a logical solution.

5. When You Take The High-Road.

Drunk girls can usually be talked into anything. Girls with daddy issues, and low-self esteem can usually also be talked into anything as well. When a good man takes the drunk girl home safely–and leaves, this gets the attention of the sober, possibly more together woman. When the good man sees the easy prey–low self-esteem, daddy issues, and leaves her be, or keeps her in the ‘friends only’ zone it calls him out as an excellent man. In a world where ethics are dwindling by the second, a man with a moral code is stand-alone sexy, and the vast majority of women are in agreement about this. I won’t speak for everyone, but when I hear a man call a woman on disrespecting herself by staying with the guy she’s with, he certainly gets my attention. What will also get my attention is a man who keeps a little standard to the type of woman he’ll date. I’m not too keen on the guy who’s standard for a woman is that she’s female. There’s nothing attractive about that. My guess on why this is appealing for women is the fact that it shows a man’s own self-respect when he holds a woman to a standard.

6. When You Take Our Advice.

Even when you do this secretly–we always find out, and it’s cute. We love when you come to us for our opinion because it shows your regard for what we have to say. Taking this next step, and actually following our advice makes us feel really good. It makes us careful about the advice we give you, and brings us closer to you.

7. When You Muse About The Future.

Many women daydream, muse, and plan for the future. I believe it’s in our DNA to do this. But when I’m with a guy, friend or boyfriend, and he lets his mind wander about moving to France or having a family, or learning to dance, or opening a restaurant–it’s just magical in a way that isn’t coming from a woman. Half the reason men get our support on some less-than-stellar ideas is for the sheer romance of it working in our heads, and how enthralling it sounds coming from him.

8. When You Command Respect With Your Character and Your Actions.

Men of good character become men of good reputation, and it’s hot. First off, it shows that the guy is his own man. Being of good character, of solid ethics today is essentially swimming against the current. It is certainly not easy, but when you see it, you know it. Good character, acts of humanitarianism, faith and general good will will keep the woman you want at your side.

9. When You Have Hobbies and Interests That Have Nothing To Do With Us.

Even Sports. Personally, I’m intermittently into sports, I’m a product of a very male upbringing. But even women who abhor nearly all things athletic still like when a guy is into a sport. Clingy girls are obnoxious, and so are clingy men. It is so enriching to a relationship to be able to talk about distinct and separate interests. It’s a great way to self-preserve in a relationship–to maintain your identity–by means of your own interests. And really the uniqueness of the person, their identity, is what often draws us to them in the first place. Besides, passion can be magnetic. I recently went wine-tasting with a guy, a subject I only know the basics about, and his knowledge and intensity about it was actually really intriguing. The only type of woman who does not like for her man to have his own thing going on is the type of woman who has nothing going on. And she will likely drive you bananas.

10. When You Show The Occasional Display of Vulnerability.

Now crying more then your woman will likely not win you much action. It could, in fact mean a one-way ticket into platonic-land. But never crying is equally as strange. Women love your strength, and count on it. But those brief, unguarded moments, are part of what turns a woman from a booty-call (and I know plenty of women who are as casual about sex as men can be), to the person that makes you dinner. Everyone knows that only sociopaths don’t feel, and sociopaths aren’t usually much company. We know your emotions are part of you, and we love when we get to know more.

There are many other reasons women love men, but this is my ten. Originally, I’d written that a nice eleventh would be how much we love when you let us drive your car. That eleventh is being quickly, and more appropriately replaced with,”we love when you support us.” This works well in your favor, guys. I can remember a friend of mine promising her husband, “whatever he wanted night,” just because he backed her up on some trivial issue with his family. He had no idea it meant that much to her. Support always goes a long way with a woman, and that’s kind of the idea, right? If I were going to make the sexiest cologne in the world, I’d call it “Support.” Support–better than pheromones.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Ten-Things-Women-Love-About-Men

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The romance roundabout

By Denise Cullen From: The Sunday Telegraph August 22, 2010 12:12AM

ON-again, off-again relationships come with a heavy emotional toll, but there is a way to break the destructive cycle.
Boomerang relationships, where a couple breaks up, then makes up, then breaks up again, are very common for both men and women.

More than 60 per cent of adults have been on the on-again, off-again relationship roundabout at some point, says University of Texas professor Rene Dailey, who has written about the dynamic in publications including the Journal Of Social Psychology And Personal Relationships.

About 40 per cent say that their current or most recent relationship has, or had, an on-off nature, and many have gone through the cycle with the same person three or more times.

While popular culture insists there is something romantic about star-crossed lovers, this on-off pattern does exact an emotional toll.

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Dailey’s research reveals that, compared with relationships that do not break up and renew, on-off partners report more unresolved conflict and more criticisms, verbal attacks and other forms of aggressive communication.

“On-off partners also report less behaviours that help maintain the relationship,” Dailey says.

This includes making the other partner feel good about themselves and including them in activities with friends and family.

Plummeting self-esteem, nagging doubts, an increased risk of depression and anxiety and the potential loss of long-term happiness are also associated with the boomerang dynamic, says clinical psychologist Sally-Anne McCormack.

So, given the downsides, why do couples keep indulging in this destructive on-off dance?

“It’s the triumph of hope,” says Dr Helen McGrath, a counselling psychologist and lecturer at Deakin University.

“People don’t easily give up when it comes to relationships. Often they feel there’s a huge investment at stake, and a sense that, ‘Well, I’ve given it so many years, I might as well see if I can make it work’.”

Even when people know, deep down, that the relationship isn’t right, it’s hard to confront the loneliness that accompanies a bust-up, which makes reconciliation look infinitely appealing.

“When you’re used to being part of a couple, it can be difficult to move back into the single world, particularly when you consider the availability of alternatives,” Dr McGrath says.

“When a newly single person looks around, it can leave them thinking, ‘Well, maybe [my ex] isn’t as deficient as I thought they were’,” she says.

Couples who repeatedly break up and make up are often sitting on a host of unresolved issues, such as a lack of commitment or trust, says Meredith Fuller, a Melbourne-based psychologist.

Failing to work through difficult issues can thus keep an on-off relationship thrilling and filled with steamy make-up sex – but at the cost of forging a deeper, more fulfilling partnership.

People particularly at risk are eternal optimists who think they’ll be able to change their partner for the better once they get back together. But things only work over the long haul if both parties are committed to working on underlying issues.

“You need to consider what is going on that both of you are failing to develop the relationship,” Fuller says. “Until then, it’s like a light flickering, because the switch is neither on nor off: there’s no sense of peace or continuity, and that’s not very satisfying.”

Break the cycle

Here’s how to decide, once and for all, whether to stay or go.
• Recognise the boomerang dynamic for what it is. One reconciliation after a bust-up is understandable, maybe two if there were unusual stresses involved. “But when it comes to the third time, you’ve got to accept that it’s a pattern and it ain’t gonna get any better,” Meredith Fuller says.
• Seek advice from a therapist who can provide some perspective.
• Cut ties rather than trying to remain friends. “A lot of people waste time thinking if they stay friends and sleep together, the other person will come to their senses,” Dr Helen McGrath says. “But that rarely happens.”
• Be brutally honest and refuse to offer false hope to yourself or anyone else.

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Aug 21, 2010

Let’s talk about SEX really

Aishah, 15, has been taught by her teachers how to say no to sex, how to avoid getting into compromising situations with boys, and the dangers of sexually transmitted infections. There is just one problem: She doesn’t know what sex is. She is the product of Singapore’s sexuality education programme which, according to a poll of 300 teenagers by The Straits Times, appears to be falling behind in giving answers to their burning questions.

TEEN-YEAR-OLD Aishah sits ramrod straight as she rattles off what she learnt in class last week.

‘We were told to think of different ways to say no to sex,’ she says brightly. ‘We had to think of alternatives to being alone with our boyfriends.’

What are the various ways to say no, you ask.

‘Our answers were all the same. ‘No’ means ‘no’ lah,’ she replies with a steely glint in her eye.

But her face crinkles with confusion when you ask her what she knows about sex. ‘My teacher never said anything (about it),’ she admits softly.

In contrast, it seems, her primary school teacher had revealed more.

‘She said something about ‘the birds and the bees’.’

Aishah (not her real name), who attends a neighbourhood secondary school in southern Singapore, is a product of Singapore’s sexuality education programme, which tries to guide young people through their physical, social and emotional changes in their upper primary to post-secondary years.

Ostensibly, the pro-abstinence programme aims to help teenagers find their own identity, raise self-awareness, develop healthy relationships and think through their choices on sex and relationships, and communicate them effectively.

But a recent poll of 300 students aged 13 to 18 by The Straits Times revealed a rather patchy outcome.

About half the respondents were interviewed on the streets while the other half were polled through The Straits Times Media Club Camp in June. Although 72 per cent of the teenagers felt that their schools taught them ‘enough’ through sexuality lessons, 37 per cent felt they were not taught how to develop healthy romantic relationships or explain their own choices to their peers.

One-third of the teenagers felt they were not given the tools to figure out for themselves what was right or wrong behaviour, while 28 per cent felt the lessons did nothing to raise their confidence.

Meanwhile, a good 14 per cent shared the same problem as Aishah: Their teachers – perhaps due to embarrassment, oversight, or plain eagerness to promote abstinence – failed to explain to them exactly what sex is.

Falling through the cracks?

SUCH ignorance can be downright dangerous in an age when sexual predators mingle anonymously with children on the Internet.

Secondary 2 student Rebekah Tay, 14, recounts how one of her peers in her northern Singapore school almost met up with a man she befriended online who promised to marry her if she had sex with him. The girl, she says, was lonely and had only a vague idea of what it meant to have sex.

Rebekah says: ‘Our teachers aren’t really addressing our issues. They will just show these slides which have some basic information and tell you what you can do and cannot do.

‘They tell us premarital sex is wrong, that everything is wrong. But they don’t address how teenagers will still carry on doing it.’

Lessons on healthy relationships, in the case of 16-year-old Seah Zhenyu who goes to a school in eastern Singapore, are reduced to pithy morals like ‘if your boyfriend or girlfriend pressures you for sex, then he or she may not be the right person for you’.

It is unclear how effective the sexuality education programme has been. When The Straits Times asked the Ministry of Education if the programme’s impact was measured and what the results were, it would only say that it ‘conducts periodic reviews’ and that schools gather feedback from students, parents and teachers.

Whatever the outcome of these reviews, the results are not showing up in available health statistics.

The Ministry of Health in January flagged the ‘especially alarming’ increase in sexually transmitted infections among those under the age of 20: The rate of transmissions more than doubled from 61 per 100,000 population in the year 2000 to 133 in 2008. Last year, there were also three new cases of HIV infection among teenagers. From 2002 to last year, 31 people were infected with HIV during their teenage years.

Teenage birth figures are equally worrying. Last year, 678 – or almost two babies every day – were born to girls 19 years old or younger. The number of teenage abortions in 2008 was 1,289.

Elephant in the room

THAT sexuality education is sensitive is an understatement. The national programme was thrust into the spotlight last year when a group of women from the same church attempted to take over the feminist group Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), claiming, among other issues, that the sexuality education programme it offered to schools was objectionable.

The ministry suspended external sexuality education programmes after it found that Aware’s instructor guide included materials criticised for their neutral stance on homosexuality and premarital sex. It also moved to vet schools’ external sexuality education vendors more closely.

Four months ago, it revealed its new line-up of six approved vendors. Four of these are linked to Christian organisations, so that in turn raised questions about religious influence in what was meant to be a secular programme.

Yet, for many students and concerned teachers, the whole debate over external vendors is something of a red herring. Only eight schools were reported to have hired external vendors last month.

The bigger task is to make sure the baseline programme for schools is working. And the clock is ticking fast.

The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation, which released a global technical guide on sexuality education last December, tells The Straits Times: ‘With few young people receiving adequate preparation for the transition to adulthood, including relationships and sexuality, and an urgent need to address the knowledge gap on HIV and Aids among young people aged 15 to 24, it is a topic that cannot be avoided.’

On paper, school-based sexuality education in Singapore is supposed to be incorporated into science, health education and civics and moral education subjects.

There is a dedicated Growing Years series which incorporates videos and CD-ROM quizzes, as well as the Breaking Down Barriers programme run with the Health Promotion Board which focuses on sexually transmitted infections and HIV/Aids. The Growing Years programme is run for a minimum of four to eight hours a year.

Each school is free to design its own programme from the Growing Years series, as well as hire external vendors to run talks and workshops.

The school-based programme cannot be faulted for lack of material. The Growing Years teachers’ guide for upper secondary level, for example, is a detailed 200-page folder that outlines how to get teenagers to manage their sexual curiosity, explain the problems of going into steady relationships and the consequences of premarital sex, as well as understand abortion and contraception.

But the way sexuality education is being delivered in some schools leaves many teenagers indifferent.

Angus Ng, 15, from a neighbourhood school in central Singapore, describes the lessons as mind-numbing.

He says in Mandarin: ‘From Primary 6 till now, my teachers have always talked about the same thing. They tell us not to have sex. And they just read from the slides. They just du si shu (recite mindlessly).’

Teenagers polled for this report cite teachers as the main problem when asked how their learning experience could be improved. Typically, they want teachers ‘who will answer any question about it’, who are ‘approachable’, ‘non-judgmental’ as well as ‘willing to hear other points of view’.

Evasive teachers appear to be a common phenomenon.

Lutfil Hadi Liang Wei Ming, 16, who attends a school in north-east Singapore, recalls the time his classmates pressed a male teacher to explain how to put on a condom and how it works.

‘The teacher tried his best to answer,’ he says. ‘But he tried to brush some questions off and said we’d find out later, because he didn’t want us to use them.’

In other classrooms, the frigid atmosphere silences students who may be confused about what they are learning.

Yvonne Yeo, 15, a Secondary 3 student from a neighbourhood school in central Singapore, recalls how a classmate could not understand why someone would get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) if he had sex with many partners, something their teacher stressed.

‘Our teacher just mentioned that if you have many sex partners, you will get an STD. She didn’t say how.’

It did not help that the teacher was serious in class and not very approachable.

‘It made us scared of asking the wrong question,’ says Yvonne.

Is training adequate?

SEXUALITY education is proving a tough nut to crack. Cultural taboos about sex and a lingering fear of attracting controversy after the Aware saga meant that just three out of more than 40 schools approached by The Straits Times were willing to be interviewed for this report.

But the way the programme is run in some schools is causing concern.

Dr Lana Khong, a lecturer at the National Institute of Education (NIE) which trains Singapore’s teachers, says school management staff ‘maybe due to personnel constraints and the need to distribute heavy teaching workloads, sometimes ‘arrow’ novice teachers to teach sexuality education’.

The novice teachers are picked ‘because the older and more experienced teachers may be uncomfortable handling the subject’.

Then there is the question of how teachers are trained to teach sexuality education. Up until about a year ago, the NIE offered an elective on ‘facilitating sexuality education in secondary schools’ as part of its Postgraduate Diploma in Education programme. This elective is no longer offered.

When asked why the elective was scrapped, and how else teachers were being taught to handle sexuality education lessons, both the NIE and the Education Ministry declined to answer.

The ministry would only say that in general, each school has about 10 teachers trained to teach sexuality education. It added that those selected to teach the Growing Years programme are picked because they ‘believe in the importance of sexuality education’, have ‘good facilitative skills’ and can ‘build good rapport with students’, and ‘are comfortable discussing various topics in the subject’.

According to Mr Boo Hian Kok, the principal of Dunearn Secondary School, teachers have to undergo 16 hours of training by the ministry before they can conduct the class.

But just how much training do teachers need to effectively facilitate sexuality education classes? The Straits Times got few answers from academics in Singapore, as those approached either shied away from the topic or did not reply to queries.

The ministry and NIE also did not respond when asked who trained teachers to run sexuality education classes.

Regional sexuality education experts were more forthcoming. Among other things, they noted that this is a complex subject which needs more focused attention.

Professor Peng Xiaohui, the associate secretary-general of the World Association of Chinese Sexologists who spoke at the recently concluded 4th Asian Conference On Sexuality Education in Hong Kong, points out that sexuality encompasses gender, identity, sexual orientation and reproduction. Also, its various facets are a product of not just biology but also psychology, culture, socio-economic trends and religion.

‘Sexuality educators need specialised training. They also need to work with experts across different disciplines,’ he tells The Straits Times.

The dean of Taiwan’s Shu-Te University’s Graduate School of Human Sexuality, Professor Lin Yen-chin, who has studied the sexuality education regimes in Vietnam, the Philippines, South Korea and Japan as well as trained Malaysian sexuality educators through the United Chinese School Committees Association of Malaysia, says a potential sexuality educator needs at least 104 hours of formal training to get the basics right.

This includes, on a very fundamental level, reflecting on his own value system. She says: ‘The educator needs to ask himself, Am I prejudiced against homosexuals? Can I accept someone who says he wants to change his sex? Would I judge a pregnant teenager harshly? Students will go to you for help on such issues. If they hold on to such views and judge these students harshly, they will end up harming them.’

Ideally, a sexuality educator should be able to help students think through the possible consequences of their decisions rather than turn them off with a moralistic approach.

She cites as an example: ‘If a boy wants to have sex with a girl, I will ask him, Is the girl underage, such that consensual sex would be treated as statutory rape? Do you want to have sex with her because you love her? If you don’t use contraceptives or if the contraceptives fail, how do you plan to look after the child? Or would you choose to abort the child, and at which stage of the pregnancy would you and your girlfriend do that?

‘I will let him make the judgment. I won’t tell him that having sex when he is so young is morally wrong.’

Beyond the classroom

WITH that much said about the school sexuality education system, it bears reminding that the job is not the sole responsibility of schools.

NIE’s Dr Khong feels that parents, teachers and the larger community should take ownership of the issue and ‘weave a stronger safety net for our young people instead of blaming one another’ when something happens to the child.

The Ministry of Education, for all its effort, constantly stresses that parents ‘bear the main responsibility’ for the sexuality education of their children.

But that is a feeble reminder, given that two-thirds of the 300 teens polled for this report never had their parents broach the topic with them.

Polytechnic student Shane Goh, 17, thinks parents should start pulling their weight. ‘We have to educate parents first, so that if a student doesn’t understand what is taught in class he can go home and ask his parents.

‘Because if the parents reject the child, he will definitely find out about sex his own way, and visit pornographic websites.’

Experts think the role of parents is especially important because sexuality education should start at a young age – when children first learn to talk and voice questions about their own body and relationships around them, and way before they enter the school system.

Meanwhile, sexuality education classes can also be supplemented with online lessons, where students get to ask their burning questions without being judged or ridiculed by their teachers or classmates.

Existing examples of this format already exist. Singapore’s self-styled sex guru Wei Siang Yu, better known by his nickname ‘Dr Love’, earlier this year founded an online sexuality education portal called sexxie.tv

Through this portal, teenagers can pose questions anonymously as well as attend ‘webinars’ which can be co-hosted by teachers. The website will in future allow parents to subscribe to a password for their children to have access to online interactive lessons.

Sexxie.tv is currently working with organisations in regional countries like Indonesia and the Philippines.

This and other Web-based initiatives are designed to address the main failing of formal sexuality education – that for cultural, religious or sometimes even political reasons, teenagers simply cannot get answers to all their questions about sex and sexuality.

In the long run, parents, the authorities and the larger community can save a lot of heartache – not to mention health-care and social costs – by focusing their sexuality education on what teenagers really want to learn about.

Dr Wei says: ‘We can save a lot of money by listening to the kids. Why don’t we take that first step, and just listen to them?’

tanhy@sph.com.sg

eisenteo@sph.com.sg

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Hi Gilbert,

I came across your website and have decided to email. I find it hard reading your articles as it just causes too much pain and I am totally lost about what I can do now and I constantly cry and battle suicidal thoughts.

I am from France (location changed) and  was married to my wife for many years. We separated  last year while living in Australia after I met a Chinese  girl in a bar during a transit business trip to Singapore, had an affair with her and confessed it all to my wife.  I just could not cope staying and needed to get away for a fresh start but the trouble was I was never able to forget my wife’s own  affair, went to counseling and ended up on antidepressants to this day. I always loved my wife and still do to this day but she has moved on and is now with another man. After she left Sydney,  I continued to see the Chinese  girl until I eventually returned to France  with my company in March.

 That turned out to be a total disaster and I ended up having a nervous break down and was off work for 3 months. My company offered me a chance to return and work in Singapore for a trial period to allow me to get some space. I have been here for a short while  now and  just feel I am going in an ever downward spiral of despair and hopelessness.I have a great job and good salary and my company looks after me very well and have supported me but time is running out and I know that. I just can’t seem to accept that I have caused the break up of what in general was a good marriage and looking back now a great life for all we had a few issues. Sometimes,  I think about the life I should be living had I never told my wife anything and just let this Chinese girl go.

I have lost my home, my wife,  my cats,  all my savings and everything we built up together over 20 years and all for nothing I just feel totally worthless, just cry most of the time and want to die. I have no friend down here and feel so alone and keep wanting to run back to France  but I know doing that I have nothing there –  no home nothing. I am only 38 and know I have a long life in front of me but just can’t face the thought of going on in my life without my wife but I know there is no way she will ever have me back and won’t even talk to me anymore.

I don’t really even know why I am writing this email so someone I don’t even know but what else can I do, I don’t want to feel like this but its been months now and I just can’t stop the pain and just want it to end.

Regds,

Steven (not his real name)

****************

Hi Steven ,

Thanks for your mail.

I can feel your pain while reading away.

It must be tough for you to go on living this way.

Writing actually is a good release for those pent up emotions.

I encourage you to keep a private blog whereby you can pen away whenever you feel like it.

Sometimes, in life, certain things when   gone  can’t be recovered.

A relationship takes two to work out and as your wife has moved on, there is frankly nothing  that you can do about it.

You can stay in touch with her via email or sms and a friendship can be possible if both parties have forgiven each other and move on in life.

Learn to also forgive yourself as I can see that you are filled with regret at losing your wife through your infidelity.

Write her a letter asking her to forgive you even though the marriage is already gone. This way, you have taken a whole load of guilt off your chest.

Be prepared that she may not reply you but you have done your part and that’s important.

Prepare yourself for recovery and if possible see a counsellor so that you have someone to confide in. Suffering alone with no one to talk to is simply too painful.

How about planning to have a new hobby so that it will take your mind off those pressing issues? Exercise also helps alot in providing you with a positive well being.

Join a club if possible to get to know new friends. Focus on initiating new friendships rather than cultivating a romantic relationship.

If you are still in Singapore , I can arrange for a voluntary counsellor to speak with you. All our services are free of charge.

Lastly, I seek your permission to post this mail on my site. I will leave out your name to protect your identity.

Take care and let me know whether you need our  counselling service.

Never give up – there’s still life after divorce. Do stay in touch with me.

Regds

Gilbert Goh

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