The Spiral Process of Recovery

Number of View: 275 INTRODUCTION: Children and adults recover from the divorce experience in different ways. The recovery process for the adult is dominated by the process of “moving on,” often without necessary reflection about what went wrong, leading many to make the same mistakes again, as shown by the increased rate of divorce in second marriages. The recovery process for the child is dominated by a recurrent “revisiting” of issues and a need to discuss the past. For a child to let go of the past is to forgo a critical building block of their future. LINEAR vs. SPIRAL PATH: In many cases the adult process is a linear progression from denial to anger to depression and then resolution, while the child’s recovery follows more of a spiral path. At every new developmental stage the explanations that parents gave them in the past are re-examined–what disagreements precipitated the divorce, who tried harder to make things better, why there was so little money for support, etc. The answers to all the “Who, What, Why” questions, while they may have been satisfactory when they were first offered, are likely to be questioned as the child’s cognitive skills and experience increase. SERIAL …

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Single parenting tips for men

Number of View: 226 A man, when he becomes a single parent to his child due to loss of his wife or by his choice of becoming single parent through adoption has to make many adjustments. Raising the child for a single father is more difficult as the father has to play the role of both mother and father. Here are some tips which will be of great help for single fathers, read on. Single parent families usually have a working parent as the sustenance of the family rests solely on the parent. When a man loses his wife or partner or chooses to become a single father through adoption, there are a lot of matters that he needs to keep in mind while raising the child. The situation can be stressful for both the father and the kid, as he needs to work and simultaneously spend a lot of quality time with the child. Tips for Single Fathers Here are a few tips on how you can connect with your child, which can help make life a little easier even in such situation: Connecting and Bonding with Child Connecting and bonding is a very important characteristic that you need …

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Single Parenting

Number of View: 839 Single Parenting By Nombini Kutta-Mathye   Single parenting is definitely on the increase internationally. This escalation is not surprising, given the increase in the divorce statistics. I just had a telephone conversation with a divorced single-parent friend of mine. Taking care of 3 kids alone is no child’s play. As I was asking politely how she is coping, I was impressed by her energy. She has two jobs and a successful new business with a paid employee who has a company car. I was so impressed yet concerned about the time she spends with the kids. She softened me by saying, “Soso, I’m a single parent; I have to make ends meet”. My friend is only one of millions of women who find themselves with kids to take care of and a limited salary if any at all. Similarly to my friend’s case, ex husbands get married very soon after the divorce in most cases and never look back. In some cases parents choose to go it solo and in others it’s a result of death of a partner. Most parents waste their time fighting instead of dealing with the challenge at hand. One has to …

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Greater Than or Less Than? Dating as a Single Mother

Number of View: 211 I’m not dating anyone right now. More often than not in my life, there’s been someone. And I’m grateful for that. I don’t buy the concept that being in a relationship subtracts from one’s development as an individual. I bristle at the self-help variety of suggestion that serial monogamy is pathological, a clear sign of someone who can’t stand on his or her own two feet. Much of who I am comes from the wisdom — often painful, but just as often beautiful — gleaned from my relationships. I’ve learned what I can handle and what I can’t. I’ve learned about boundaries, about drawing lines in the sand. The lessons have frequently been brutal, but they’ve also been necessary. “Maybe you just need time on your own right now,” a couple of married-for-years acquaintances suggested recently — as if their status of “married” rendered them exempt from scrutiny, as if “married” means they’ve gotten it “right.” I try to steer clear of the smug marrieds, who believe they’ve found the perfect balance of self and other, which authorizes them to assess the unfortunate singles of the world and their relationship choices. I like down-to-earth married folks, …

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Divorced woman felt betrayed in a failed rebound relationship

Number of View: 214 Dear Gilbert, I am really glad to see your blog. I m a divorcee with 2 kids.  I initiated the divorce and  many others felt that I deserved what I experienced now.  Even my siblings won’t talk to me now.  My husband was uninvolved in our relationship but he acted nice in front of friends and family.  Once alone, he was not there for me – he was either on the computer or in the toilet.  We were married for 14 years but we only had intimacy for less than 10 times as there were just ways to have babies.  He did not touch me or kissed me –  no hugs and no gifts.  He left house at 7am and worked till 12 midnight daily. All house matters, kids and stuff were done on my own.  We had  2 counselling period over the 14 years but the final conclusion was he could never change and I had to adjust my expectation. I could no longer accept it anymore when he told me as a matter a fact that I could start an affair while we remained married.  I filed for divorce as I was thinking of suicide …

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“The truth is, I harboured thoughts of suicide whenever I’m lonely.”

Number of View: 237  Hi Gilbert,   I found your website earlier on. I know you are not able to help, but anyway I’ll just write to you, hoping it will release some of my tensions.   Probably, I can start with what’s worrying me these few years.  I feel that my life is very miserable since I got married in 2004 – we always had issues with money. When we just got married, my husband and I have a low combined income – about $2.3k thereabout and we really struggled with our expenses. Now, he has a better job with doubled income compared to the time when we just got married. I also have a new fulltime job but I  couldn’t  bring home my full pay because I  have many unpaid  and medical leave due to my medical condition. Things are not going well even though our combined income is now more than what we used to earn. The money we earned is never enough to pay for all our bills and the accured  debts just keep on piling up.   In 2006, my job was at stake. I was very stressed  with both my personal life and job. Soon after, I started to …

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