The number one predictor of divorce (Smart Marriages)

Number of View: 256 The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.   What’s sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce.   It’s like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor, “We never talk anymore. We figured out that’s when we do all our fighting.”   In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that “staying in love” is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.   We’re afraid that if we disagree – or fight – we’ll run our marriage off into the ditch.   Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost.   Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it’s true that …

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Head Over Heels: The Physical Effects of Falling in Love (Divine Caroline)

Number of View: 283 Head Over Heels: The Physical Effects of Falling in Love By: Allie Firestone (View Profile)   I like to think of myself as a logical, control-my-own destiny kind of girl. I think most of my friends see themselves as equally levelheaded. But recently a friend was describing the physical sensations she gets when she meets someone that she really likes—butterflies, sweaty palms, quick heartbeat. No matter how hard she tries to think her way out of this silliness, she can’t. Since we’ve all been there, I figured there had to be more to it, something powerful enough to give even the most strong-willed a run for her sanity. Hoping for some insight into why these feelings take over, I went looking for the science behind lust and love. Why, physiologically speaking, do these things happen, and what are they trying to tell us?   The Curse of Chemicals   “No matter what I tell myself, I’m always attracted to people who aren’t good for me,” says Lynn Miller, twenty-seven. “I tell myself to go for the nice, reliable men, but I can never resist the difficult, arrogant ones. It’s like I have no control.”   Hormones. Adrenaline. …

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Negotiating Your Divorce With Good Tactics (divorcesupport.com)

Number of View: 295 Negotiating Your Divorce With Good Tactics Negotiating is a blend of science and style. Many successful attorneys seldom appear to be applying a system of any kind, while others may seem to be following some rigid formula. Attorneys generally use the techniques and approach that they have refined over the years, as they should.   At this point, suggestions on the way your settlement negotiations should be handled should not be necessary. You are comfortable with your attorney. You have no reason to try to direct the negotiations and the trial. Because you have informed and worked with you attorney throughout your entire divorce proceeding, you can now comfortably rely on him or her and simply continue to work as part of the team. This is the time that your attorney’s skills will be the most valuable, enhanced by the facts that you have supplied and the preparation of your entire team.   One of the most important variables at this point in your case is the extent to which earlier court hearings, and any temporary orders that were issued, affect your settlement posture. You and your spouse may have found that you can live with …

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Reader’s Mail: Nine Years of Tough Journey After Divorce

Number of View: 491 Hi Gilbert,   A lot of painful events took place during the last 9 years.  I lost my marriage. I also lost my father to cancer.   I lost my job (I was made redundant and was out of job for about a year).  I was in depression and  literally cut myself off from everybody, including church.  It  took  me 3 years to recover and then I made a very courageous decision to return to my former church.  I reckoned that I should pick up from where I fell although it was a difficult decision.   Then I attended a Diploma in Christian Counselling and decided that I want to be a counsellor so as to help people in need.  Thus, last 2 years were working & studying, working & studying & more working & studying…. (boring, I didn’t have a life then )   I’ve just completed my Master in Social Science (Counselling). The course has done me alot of good.  It’s alot of self awareness and self healing. So, you can expect to see a happier me.   For your info, I am now heading a Christian Single Ministry.  The purpose is to give Christian singles opportunities to meet other Christian singles. I am also …

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Stop Comparing (foodforthought)

Number of View: 236   STOP COMPARING By Bo Sanchez February 18, 2010   We live in a pathologically dissatisfied world. And I’m going to tell you why. Because we love to compare. Go around the world and discover that people aren’t happy with their bodies.   Filipinos want to be fair-complexioned like Westerners, and so buy bleaching stuff. Westerners want to own bronzed bodies like ours, and so purchase tanning lotions.   Those with moles have them removed, while those who don’t strategically implant beauty spots.   Some people want to shed a few pounds to look like Ally McBeal, while others want to gain some baby fat to look like Drew Barrymore.   When are we ever going to stop and simply be happy with how we look? We live in a sick world, I tell you. And that sickness is comparisonitis. Take a look at wealth. When we drive our old Toyota, it really suits us fine. We feel blessed in fact when the rain pours outside and we feel snug and cozy on its faded upholstered seats. But the moment we see our own officemate (or neighbor, or buddy, or cousin, or brother) drive his sleek …

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Are babies bad for marriage? (Mummy-Muse blog)

Number of View: 284 Have you heard about The Council on Contemporary Families?  If not, you’re missing out on some great information.  This nonprofit, nonpartisan organization of family researchers and practitioners has been working since 1996 to increase our understanding of how America’s families are changing, what contemporary families need and how these needs can best be met at http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/.               I am impressed with their recent research update, and am including an excerpt from  News You Can Use: Are Babies Bad For Marriage? :      Old News: Having a Baby Will Save Your Marriage New News: No, After Having a Baby, Satisfaction With Marriage Goes Down for Most Couples New New News: Having a Baby Won’t Improve a Poor Marriage, but Couples Who Plan the Conception Jointly Are Much Less Likely to Experience a Serious Marital Decline And Really Good News: Couples Who Establish a Collaborative Parenting Relationship After the Child Is Born not Only Have Happier Marriages but Better-Adjusted Children        In the mid-20th century, marital counselors often advised couples that parenthood would increase their marital satisfaction and adjustment, and polls showed that most Americans believed that true marital happiness depended on having a child. But over the …

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Reader’s Mail: My Life After Divorce

Number of View: 246 Reader’s Mail: My life after divorce Hi Gilbert,  It has been 6 months since I ended my marriage of 27 years last August 2009.  Life has been wonderful  after I made the decision.  It took me one year of painful deliberation before I made the final decision to leave my husband.  Without financial, emotional and physical support from your spouse and  the burden of 4 children to care for, the strain was not easy to bear.  There were also plenty of tears along the way. I broke down in Dec 2008 when I left home for 2 nights, just to sort things over.  We also went through 2 rounds of counseling all to no avail.  That’s when I decide that something has to break…   There are  different  reactions that I got from my loved ones when I informed them of my decision to divorce.  The reaction from my “in-laws” is naturally hostile.  I am barred from all family gatherings from his side.  Nonetheless, my 2 sister-in-laws (ex-brother-in-laws’ wives) are still in touch with me.  Occasionally, we will go for meals and catch-up on what is happening.  My own family has been very supportive, especially my children.  …

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A Website for The Divorced

Number of View: 296 Dear Friends and Readers,   I have started  this blogsite to support those who are divorced and single parents. I am sure that there are many out there.   Strangely, the site was initially meant for the married people who face struggles in their relationship.   However, a few friends told me that there are already many such sites locally and ask me to instead  start something for those who are divorced and separated.   For those who are recently divorced,  the journey can be  traumatic and lonely. Some may face suicidal tendencies too as it is a very emotional event.  Last year, I  have the chance to walk through the divorce journey with three friends who happened to divorce within a three-month period of one another.  One was married for five years, another for 9 years and the last the longest for well over 20 years. Two of them seemed happier after the divorce except for the third one who looked lost and desolate. Two of them have children. One wonders if the divorce will come earlier if there are no children in the equation. I know many couples hang on precariously to the marriage for the sake of the …

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Looking at Divorce – Through the Eyes of a Child (childrenanddivorce.com)

Number of View: 355        Looking at Divorce – Through the Eyes of a Child First published in Caring – Alliance for Parents and Families 2000         CHILDREN ARE DISILLUSIONED For better or worse children look to adults to help make sense of the world they live in. Unfortunately, from the child’s vantagepoint much of what they are taught defies understanding. It is clear to the youngest children that what adults say is appropriate behavior bears little resemblance to what adults actually do. Children are keen observers. They see famous men who lie and still hold high office, adults who cheat and yet avoid being caught, and adults who kill in the name of religion. They are all too aware of adults who create problems and neglect to solve them, and adults who abuse themselves, or others, but who are nevertheless heralded as heroes or superstars. In this hypocritical social environment it is not surprising that those children who not only experience questionable adult behavior at a distance, but also close-up in their own families, are the children who are most at risk for growing up feeling alienated, angry and distrustful of the adult world.   WHO TO BLAME? …

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